Category Archives: opinion

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IT’S THE PICTURES THAT GOT SMALL

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By Suzanne Sparrow Watson

In the classic movie, Sunset Boulevard, a screenwriter meets an aging move star and says, “You’re Norma Desmond.  Once, you were big.” To which she replies, “I AM big, it’s the pictures that got small.”  Never has a more prescient comment been uttered, although I’m not sure Ms. Desmond or anyone else could have predicted just how small they would get.  Sunset Boulevard was filmed in 1950, when everyone went to movie theaters and movie stars were idolized.  Fast forward to 2017, The Hollywood Reporter estimated that movie attendance in North America was at a 27-year low.  And then 2020 hit.  No one went anywhere, much less to crowded movie theaters.  People stayed home, snuggled up in their jammies, baking bread and watched a streaming service.  Netflix alone added more than ten million subscribers in the second quarter of that year.

Movies, and network television, has been on a downward spiral ever since.  I’ll save my critique and frustration with television for another day, but the movies have been front of mind ever since the Oscar nominations were announced in February.  I recall a time, not that long ago, when everyone raced to the movie theaters to see all of the movies before the Oscars were awarded.  It was a communal way to connect – people predicting who would win the major categories, who would look the most glamorous, and who was snubbed.  Like March Madness or the Super Bowl, office pools and viewing parties were established so everyone who wished could be in on the fun.  But this year, when the nominations were announced, I lamented that I’d seen very few of the Best Picture nominees.  Worse, I wasn’t able to watch some of them because I don’t subscribe to the right streaming services.

Ten pictures were nominated this year and in order to see all of them you would need subscriptions to Amazon Prime, Netflix, You Tube, Vudu, HBO Max and Disney+.  Those subscriptions would cost you $115 per month.  What average family can afford that?  Apparently not many, because the viewership for the Oscar-nominated films is down again this year.  Partly because people don’t have every streaming service and partly because the movies are, well, terrible.  One Hollywood insider said that the movie studios are no longer making movies for American audiences because they make much more from international ticket sales, specifically in Asia.  Thus, the glut of Marvel action films.

Somehow, watching a movie from the comfort of my sofa is not as much fun as going to the theater, where everyone laughs, or cries, or screams in a shared experience.  Sure, it’s great to watch at home, close to Dash the Wonder Dog and my refrigerator, but watching on the small screen is not the same.  As Norma Desmond said, the pictures are getting small.  Little did she know in 1950 that they literally would go from a gigantic movie theater screen, averaging between 45-50 feet wide, to a 60″ television set (if you’re lucky).

It feels like we’re breaking up with the movies, or at least going out to the movies.  Like a lot of experiences from our youth, going to the movies is passe.  But looking on the bright side, there are a lot of good series to stream, and my sweatpants wardrobe is always in fashion in my living room.

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FIRST WORLD PROBLEMS

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By Suzanne Sparrow Watson

I recently played in our club’s big invitational golf tournament.  My partner and I won our flight and came in third overall.  But that doesn’t really tell the story.  She played brilliantly and I played like the dog’s dinner.  In fact, that may be an insult to canine fare.  My crowning achievement was picking the right partner.  I was despondent about my play and, having to participate in the “shoot out” in front of 100+ people to determine the overall winner, was horrifying.  But then a good friend sidled up to me and said, “Get a grip.  Think about the people in Ukraine.  This is a first-world problem.”

Of course, she was right.  Bad play in a golf tournament on a beautiful blue-sky day, surrounded by friends, is not something to complain about.  Most of us have lives that are filled with first-world problems.  I’ve heard people complain that their Wi-fi connection at the Ritz was too slow or the roast on their Tanzania Peaberry coffee beans was overdone. The term “first world” is actually an anachronism, since we no longer talk about the “third world”. We have shifted to the more optimistic phrase “developing world”.  Still, the idea of ridiculous first world complaints persist, and they seem particularly trivial in contrast to the horrors we’re seeing in Ukraine on the nightly news.

But for your amusement this Monday morning, and as some relief from the constant bad news, here are some of the first world problems I have heard lately:

  1.  My new iPhone 13 Pro Max doesn’t filter out spam calls
  2.  I can’t remember the password to my American Express Platinum card account
  3.  Neiman’s didn’t have the Christian Louboutin shoes in my size
  4.  I had to open a can that didn’t have a pull ring
  5.  My two-hour Amazon delivery was thirty minutes late
  6.  Why didn’t Amazon release the whole season of “The Marvelous Mrs. Maizel” at once?
  7.  My hotel in the Maldives didn’t have enough outlets in the room
  8.  I chipped my $80 ombre nail gel on the first day
  9.  My personal trainer took the week off to be with his kids on spring break
  10.  We had to fly to L.A. three times to get both of my mother-of-the-bride gowns fitted by Monique Lhuillier

Then there are the “complaints” that are really something else: the humblebrag.  A humblebrag is defined as “an ostensibly modest or self-deprecating statement whose actual purpose is to draw attention to something of which one is proud.”  I think Facebook and Instagram have built their business models around humblebragging.  Parents of school-aged children are particularly good at it. Their posts usually go something like this: “I am so clumsy. I spilled Opus One all over the papers I need to sign to get Missy into the gifted program.”

Whether it’s just complaining about trivial problems or true humblebragging, we could all stand to put things into perspective.  That is easier said than done on the golf course, but it’s worth a try.

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TIPS FOR STRESSFUL TIMES

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By Suzanne Sparrow Watson

Two years ago, on March 17th, 2020, I was at a dinner party with five friends.  COVID, or as we said at the time, “a new flu”, had just started to take hold in the U.S.  One friend asked, “What do you think we’ll be saying about this flu in two weeks?”  We all agreed that it would peak and that by the end of the month things would be back to normal.  Turns out that we were only off by two years.  It’s been a stressful two years: important family gatherings were missed, friends died, and, in general, people became crabbier.  A couple of weeks ago, just when life seemed to be back to normal, Putin decided to invade Ukraine.  So now we wake each day wondering if World War III started while we slumbered. The images and stories coming out of Ukraine are horrifying.

We’ve all been through a lot, so I thought this week I would offer some stress management advice and, hopefully, bring you a chuckle or two.  God knows we need it.

Stress Management Tips for 2022:

Stop being on time.  The more you care about being late, the more you stress.  So stop caring.  If you lose your job, so much the better.  Jobs are stressful.

Drink alcohol.  You can’t stress about stuff if you’re drunk.  So go ahead and grab that bottle of tequila and drink away.  Aim for being inebriated 60% of your waking hours.

Yell at people who don’t deserve it.  If you have followed step 2, this should come pretty easily.  Never take responsibility for being a jerk.  Accountability only makes you more anxious.

Pare down your possessions. This is essential.  You no longer have a job and you have an alcohol addiction to support.  See if you can fit all of your belongings in a backpack.

Spend more time outdoors.  Without any means of income, this is good preparation for your future living arrangement.  You are mere steps away from living under an overpass.  You will alleviate any pressure to work or pay rent.

Make new friends.  Ask strangers for their spare change.  By now you have no job, no house and your tequila is running low.  You’d be surprised how many people will throw a dollar bill your way.  Hold up a sign that says, “Need money for gas” and you might double your income.

Finally, if all else fails, I have two tips.  First, eat cake.  Yes, that is my remedy for every problem, but there is nothing like a good sugar high to make you feel better.  Second, learn to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it, pee on it and walk away.

My prediction is that in two weeks the world will have calmed a bit.  I hope I’m a lot more accurate this time.

 

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ALL WORK IS HONORABLE

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By Suzanne Sparrow Watson

In 2004 I was watching Hardball, the show formerly hosted by Chris Matthews, when his guest for the evening was Donna Brazile.   Ms. Brazile was coming off an unsuccessful stint as Al Gore’s campaign manager and at that time was the chair of the Democratic National Committee’s Voting Rights Institute.  On that episode of Hardball, she was asked about Tom DeLay, who was the House Majority Leader.  DeLay had made millions in the pest control business before entering politics (where he no doubt made millions more).  She made a derogatory comment about DeLay being “just a pest exterminator”, which in her estimation made him unequal to his task.  Matthews stopped the interview and told Brazile that being an exterminator was honest work and that in his religion “to work was to pray”. Matthews also noted that DeLay had been a successful exterminator while she was a failed presidential campaign manager.  He finished by saying, “There is honor in all work.”

I couldn’t agree more with that sentiment, which is why I am a bit befuddled by the high number of job openings in this country.  Work is good, and there is nothing like the satisfaction of doing a job well.  There are innumerable articles that have been published over the years about the benefits of working and they mostly boil down to a few things.  Work provides structure.  When all else is falling apart, it is good to have a place to go every day that provides stability.  A workplace can also provide friendship.  Sometimes it’s our friends at work that make a job bearable, especially when the boss is a jerk.  Nothing better than having a common enemy to bring people closer.  Work also provides money.  This seems obvious, but for anyone who has ever wondered how they are going to pay rent or buy food, a good job is invaluable.  When basic needs are taken care of a job can provide the cash to do fun things, like planning a vacation away from work.

If you are fortunate to find a job that you love, and that gives you opportunity to expand your horizon, work can go a long way toward a positive sense of self and becoming expert in your field.  Personally, I love watching people who are good at their jobs, whether it’s the street cleaner or a mechanic.  There is a poetry in watching skilled hands do what they’ve been trained to do.

So why are so many people choosing to stay home?  And how in the heck are they supporting themselves?  I’ve been told it’s the “gig economy”, where people pick up jobs as they feel like it and jump from place to place.  While the freedom that provides sounds enticing, I question how satisfying that is in the long run.  In my father’s generation people worked for the same company until they were ushered out with a gold watch.  My generation was influenced by the “Me, Inc.” philosophy, where people divorced themselves from lifetime employment and took more control of their careers.  These days it seems like it’s a free for all.

Of course, COVID has not helped the situation.  There has been a great, and unfair, divide between people who could easily work from home in their pajamas and those essential workers who were asked to show up regardless of how rampant the virus was in their community.  And then, of course, those people were subjected to some customers who treated them poorly.  That might explain why people are reluctant to return to work – who needs the abuse?

I recall my own experience with a bad customer.  After I retired from banking, I took a job one day a week in a yarn store.  One day a woman came in.  I didn’t know her but was aware that she lived in my community.  Without preamble she began to make demands, messed up the inventory and generally treated me as her personal servant.  Twenty minutes into her visit a mutual acquaintance walked in who commented to the nasty woman, “You know, Suzanne also lives in our community.”  The customer’s jaw dropped to the floor, as she said rather incredulously, “You do??!!!”  After that she bent over backwards to be nice to me.  But it was too late.  I knew who she was.  She was a nasty person, one who treated those she deemed beneath her in a despicable way.  As it turned out, she was later brought up on charges at our club TWICE for berating our employees.

So maybe we all have a part to play in getting people back to work.  We should honor all work…and be nice!

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ROOTING FOR THE GOOD GUY

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By Suzanne Sparrow Watson

Confession:  I am a life-long 49er’s fan.  My husband is a life-long Rams fan.  It has made for some interesting (and heated) discussions over the years.  Although I’d love to see him happy about his team winning the Super Bowl today, I just can’t bring myself to root for our arch enemy.  Besides, I am an enthusiastic fan of Joe Burrow.  If you’re looking for a reason to care about the outcome of today’s game, I am re-posting my 2020 blog about Joe Burrow, with a wonderful update to the story.  

30 million Americans will be watching the College Football Championship game tonight between LSU and Clemson.  It is slated to be one of the most exciting playoff games in recent history – both teams are undefeated and have stand out quarterbacks.  Hopefully it will live up to the expectations.  But aside from the thrill of who will win the Championship, many people have found a different reason to take interest in the game – LSU’s quarterback, Joe Burrow.  In this age of bad-boy athletes where the headlines shout of domestic violence, gun shots, and cheating scandals, Joe Burrow is the soothing balm that reminds us of just how good college sports can be.  This one person, in one night, brought dignity, kindness and generosity to the forefront.  His story bears telling and re-telling.

Joe Burrow hails from one of the most impoverished areas in the United States – southeast Ohio.  His hometown is Athens, a part of Appalachia that has yet to see significant benefit from the soaring stock market and lower unemployment rate.  Joe is a product of the local high school and was heavily recruited upon graduation.  He attended Ohio State, where he red-shirted, obtained his BA in Family Resource Management, and then with two years eligibility remaining, decided to transfer to a school where he could get more playing time.  In May 2018 he signed on with LSU and their charismatic coach, Ed Orgeron.  The rest is history.

Fast forward to December 14, 2019.  Burrow was one of four finalists for the Heisman Trophy and, in a surprise to no one, he not only took home the trophy but did so by a wider margin than any winner in history, securing 93.8 percent of the possible points.   That alone would make him stand out in anyone’s book.  But it’s what he did next that swayed hearts and minds.  In his acceptance speech he not only thanked the usual people – his teammates, parents and coaches (including those from Ohio State), he took the opportunity of being on the big stage to remember those who have not been as fortunate as he.  Mid-way through his speech he said the following: “Coming from southeast Ohio, it’s a very impoverished area. The poverty rate is almost two times the national average. There are so many people there that don’t have a lot. I’m up here for all those kids in Athens and Athens County that go home—not a lot of food on the table, hungry after school. You guys can be up here too.” He was crying, and I’m guessing anyone watching cried right along with him. It was a thoughtful moment – surely one to make everyone who ever had anything to do with this young man feel proud.  His dad commented the next morning that he received over 500 texts and the overwhelming majority of them congratulated him on Joe’s thoughtfulness, not the piece of hardware he’d won.  But it’s what happened next that highlights the positive impact just one high-profile athlete can have.

The following morning, Sunday, December 15th, Athens High and Ohio grad, Will Drabold, was so moved by Joe’s speech that he decided to set up a fundraiser on Facebook for the all-volunteer Athens County Food Pantry with a goal of $1,000.  By the end of that first day, he had collected more than $50,000.  Major media outlets picked up on the story and by Monday morning, the total donations surged to $80,000, which happens to be the annual budget the Food Pantry.  By Tuesday, December 17th, the fund had collected more than $350,000.  Drabold raised the goal to $500,000 – why not shoot for the stars?

On Wednesday, at a local middle school, a teacher played Burrow’s Heisman speech for her students. When they finished watching the speech, she said she saw “a lot of bug eyes, like, “Wow, he’s talking about us.” They sat down to write letters to Burrow. One of the boys in the class turned this in:
Dear Joe Burrow,
Thank you for showing me and other children that no matter where you’re from or your life story, if you work hard, you can achieve greatness. Also, thank you for giving back to your community. You have inspired me to not be embarrassed by my life story and work hard to achieve my goals. Again, thank you very much.
The student signed his name, and under it wrote: “Just a kid from Southeast Ohio.”

On Friday, December 20th, donations to the food bank were close to $450,000.  Joe Burrow, meanwhile, accepted another token of his hard work and dedication that day – his master’s degree in Liberal Arts from LSU.    By Sunday the total for the Food Bank topped out at more than $475,00. Karin Bright, president of the food bank’s board, was asked about the effect of the fundraising on the organization – “I truly hope this opens a conversation across the country and we finally address the issues of hunger and food insecurity in this country. We’re better than this. People in this great country should not be going to bed hungry. And for Joe Burrow to put such a personal face on it—his classmates at Athens, he knew, were going hungry. And he remembered that at this momentous time in his life.”  She said the funds that have been raised are a sacred trust and will ensure that it is allocated with utmost respect for those who gave it.

As of this morning, game day, the total donations are $503,211.  I don’t know who will win the game tonight, but I do know that Joe Burrow has already made more of an impact off the field than on it.  Yes, thousands of people in Athens County will be less hungry this year, but really, all of us have been given a gift from this upstanding young man.  He has lifted our spirits, caused us to remember that the American people are generous and kind.  He provided a shining example of what college athletes can be.  Joe Burrow is not just a kid from southeast Ohio – he is an inspiration to us all.

So, for tonight’s game I say, Geaux, Joe!

2022 Update:  Joe Burrow won the National Championship game.  He also lent his name to the Athens County Food Pantry, so one can directly donate to the Joe Burrow Hunger Relief Fund.  It has been so successful that the organization has an endowment of $1.5 million dollars and provides food for over 400 families each month.  With the success of the Bengals this season, and specifically with their rather miraculous accent to the Super Bowl, donations have been pouring in.  The fund has received 1,272 gifts totaling $89,571 since the AFC Championship game Jan. 30.  The grassroots campaign has seen a majority of the gifts (more than 330) at $9 in tribute to Burrow’s jersey number.  Corporations are now chipping in and if the Bengals win the Super Bowl today who knows how many families will end up benefiting?  So, for me, I know the answer to Who Dey?  It’s Joe Burrow.

 

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BLONDES, BOOZE AND BENTLEYS

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By Suzanne Sparrow Watson

By the time you read this on Monday morning, Scottsdale will have hosted an extravaganza known as the Barrett-Jackson car auction.  In case you aren’t familiar with it, B-J is the largest car auction company in the world and each January they host one of their premier events in Arizona.  The auction attracts hundreds of thousands of spectators, or “motorheads” as they are known.  You read that right – hundreds of thousands.  Most people have some passing interest in the cars up for auction (this year there were over 1850 special cars) but most people I know go to people watch.  There is perhaps no finer place to see a cross-section of high rollers and wannbe high rollers than Barrett-Jackson.  We have not attended the auction for several years, being neither car aficionados or in need of seeing blondes with boob jobs, but the atmosphere is the same, year in and year out.

        Bret and his Bentley

This year there were several celebrity cars up for sale.  David Spade, the comedian, sold his 1968 Chevrolet Chevelle.  Gosh, I remember when one of the popular boys at school got a Chevelle and rumor has it that the back seat is not all that comfortable.  That said, unlike the average teenage boy, I don’t think the people bidding on it are contemplating spending much time back there.  The auction also featured a 1977 Pontiac Firebird Trans Am from Smokey and the Bandit that was once the property of Burt Reynolds. Not only can you get a famous car, but they are throwing in an autographed copy of the late actor’s autobiography.  What a deal! The front man for the rock band Poison, Bret Michaels, appeared to sell his 2007 Bentley Continental GT.  Just as with Reynold’s car, there is a gift with purchase – a custom “Every Rose Has Its Thorn” guitar autographed by Michaels.  And rap star Pitbull made an appearance to oversee the auction of his 2022 Karma GS-6 EV 305 Edition.  Whatever that is.  Obviously, I am not a motorhead.

As I mentioned, most people I know go to people watch.  There are more than three dozen bars and restaurants at the venue, and they are all packed.  It’s a little like Vegas, where there are VIP suites and special bidder’s areas, but you can still run into the rich and famous out on the floor.  One of the most fun activities is watching the women who accompany the high rollers to the auction.  They wear so much jewelry and shiny clothing that you can see them from Mars.  Sometimes the ratio of jewelry to clothing tips well into the jewelry side of the ledger.  There is so much bleach and silicone in the building I’m surprised it isn’t declared a hazmat area.  Still, it makes for fun watching.

One of the benefits of the auction is the money donated to charity.  Each year Barrett-Jackson gives the profits from several of its car sales to local charities.  Since its inception at a dirt lot in Scottsdale 50 years ago, the company has donated more than $133 million to local and national charities.  So, even if you aren’t a motorhead, you can appreciate their gesture.  If you’re anywhere close to Scottsdale next January, you might want to give the Barrett-Jackson event a try.  I promise it will open up a whole world of beautiful cars, beautiful people and, who knows, maybe a gift with purchase!

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MY LOW SOCIAL BATTERY

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By Suzanne Sparrow Watson

 

Over Christmas I spent some time with family – family that I adore and, apparently, the feeling is mutual.  So, theoretically we should be able to spend endless hours together catching up and socializing.  But as it happened, after about three hours together it was clear we were all ready for a break.  Or, as my college-age great-niece put it:  our social batteries were depleted.  I had never heard that expression but definitely could relate to it.  We concluded that we are all introverts at heart and enjoy time alone.  I got to wondering whether this is a Covid-related issue or something more universal.  Turns out, this phenomenon has been around a while; Covid just made it more apparent.

First, according to the Urban Dictionary (the term hasn’t made it to Webster’s yet), “social battery” is defined as a metaphor for a person’s capacity to intermingle with groups of people in one setting.  If you love having a day to yourself or are relieved when someone calls to cancel plans, it could be because you are an introvert with a low social battery. Being around people – friends, colleagues or family – is a challenging task that takes energy.  If you start the day with a low amount of social battery it doesn’t take much to drain it.  Spending time alone, being creative, is one of the ways that introverts re-charge.

As it turns out, our family was about average in terms of our battery capacity.  According to a 2016 study published in The Journal of Personality, introverts experience fatigue after three hours of socialization. If we exceed the capacity of our social battery, we tend to become irritable, inattentive and mentally and physically exhausted.  Boy, that goes a long way toward explaining why I’m grouchy at a long cocktail party!

Extroverts, on the other hand, need to be with people to charge their social battery.  They start the day like a phone that hasn’t been charged: they need some juice to get going.  They revel in a full calendar of events and meetings, and often volunteer their time in order to create more interaction with people.  Extroverts will keep in touch with friends and family on a frequent basis to share the stories that they need to get out of their systems.  We all know some of these people – the ones that call just as you’re getting dinner on the table and talk for 30 minutes about their round of golf.  Extroverts seldom like to do anything alone, whether it’s going to the grocery store or grabbing a cup of coffee.

But the world isn’t so simple that we can just be introverts or extroverts, there are also ambiverts and omniverts.  As you might guess, these are people that float between being an introvert and extrovert.  Ambiverts will change according to the external situation they are in, while omniverts will change depending on how they feel that day.  Researchers say that most of us fall into the ambivert or omnivert spectrum because we have learned over time what different social situations require.

So, now that I’ve probably depleted your social battery by droning on about this, I’ll conclude by observing that whatever your personality type, Covid has had an effect.  Numerous studies have been done over the past two years about how people have handled isolation during the pandemic.  Not surprisingly, extroverts have suffered more acutely from the lack of activities and interaction with others.  And while some social scientists called the Covid lockdowns “Springtime for Introverts”, that isn’t accurate either.  While lockdowns were more bearable for people with low social batteries, even introverts feel frustrated because their choice to isolate was made for them, and not by them.

Let’s face it, regardless of your type, we’re all tired of this damn virus.  At least now you may have a better understanding of why you’ve been grumpy.

 

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WHEN IT’S OVER, IT’S OVER

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By Suzanne Sparrow Watson

We are a divided country.  I’m not talking about politics, but over something much more important: when to take down the Christmas decorations.  On one side there are the people who put up the decorations minutes after they finish Thanksgiving dinner and leave them up until the first week of January.  On the other side, are people who wait until mid-December to decorate and then whisk everything away on December 26th.  Like much else in our culture, there is no correct answer as to when Christmas decorations should be taken down, but there are a lot of firm opinions in both camps.  But surely there is reasoning on both sides, so for our readers’ edification, I present both arguments.

          Beautiful…and a lot of work

The Christian calendar is the original source for dictating the putting up – and taking down – of holiday decor.  According to religious experts, the beginning of Advent is the correct time to start trimming the tree.  Advent starts on the fourth Sunday before Christmas, which coincidentally in the U.S., is usually around Thanksgiving.  So, for those of you who scoff at people who put their tree up “early”, they are actually following centuries-old tradition.  The Christian calendar also dictates that the decorations stay up until January 6th, or as it is known, the Epiphany. The day celebrates the baptism of Jesus by John the Baptist and the arrival of the Three Wise Men.  It is also known as “Twelfth Night”, counting the days between Christmas and Epiphany.  Most of us recognize those twelve days because of the carol, The Twelve Days of Christmas, known for its milking maids and leaping lords and the annual newspaper article of that year’s financial tally for all those gifts.  So, we can conclude that people who put up their tree early and take it down late are not being influenced by Target and Macy’s, but by long-held religious convictions.  Or not.

        Christmas is Over

On the other side of the equation are the “when it’s over, it’s over” group.  Try as I might, I could not find one reputable article arguing for the early demise of Christmas decor. However, being a member of that camp, I am going to put forth my own reasoning.  First, I was greatly influenced by an old neighbor, who I watched drag his Christmas tree to the end of the driveway for garbage pick-up the day after Christmas.  He noticed my horrified reaction, and shouted, “Hey, when it’s over, it’s over.”  I was appalled that he could be so cavalier about the sanctity of the Christmas tree.  But as I came back into our house all of my decorations suddenly reminded me of the person who stays too long at the party.  Right then I had, if you will, my own epiphany.  Each year I took the week between Christmas and New Year’s Day off work.  It is commonly known as “dead week” and for good reason – it’s a great time to relax.  Each Christmas my mother-in-law would give me several books by my favorite authors, and “dead week” was my time to snuggle up on the couch and read to my heart’s content.

So that fateful morning of December 26th, I began to re-think how I wanted to spend my week.  My personality is such that I could not relax on the couch and read, knowing that I had hours of work ahead of me taking down all the decorations.  I looked around the room and felt as if the tree, the stockings, the garlands and the fifteen Santa Claus statues were mocking me.  So, I began to take everything down and by the end of the day the house was back to normal.  I spent the rest of the week blissfully reading and relaxing.  Each year since then, my goal is to have all of the Christmas decor down by noon on December 26th.  I have never regretted it and only smile a bit smugly as my friends lament the chore in front of them in the days after Christmas.  Like a lot of things in life, it’s a lot more fun going up than it is coming down.

But there is another reason I move on so quickly after Christmas is over.  I think that Christmas is a time for reflection and looking back with great sentiment.  New Year’s Day, on the other hand, is a time to look forward and anticipate great things for the upcoming year.  I have found that once I have put away the Christmas decor it allows me to focus on the future.  I know that past couple of years have not panned out the way any of us would have wanted, but still, I have great hope for 2022.  Maybe I’m naïve, or overly optimistic, but I think it will be a good year ahead.

My brother and I wish all of our readers the very best for the new year and once again, we thank you for continuing to read our blog.

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CHRISTMAS MEMORIES AND A GIN FIZZ

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By Suzanne Sparrow Watson

In the musical, “Carousel”, a young couple sing a song about their future, when they can look back on a life well lived.  The song contains one of my favorite phrases:  “When today is a long time ago.”  That phrase perfectly summarizes the sentiment of Christmas for me.  The holiday season by its very nature brings forth sentimentality and remembrance of Christmases past.  As usual, Winston Churchill phrased it perfectly when he said, “Christmas is a season not only of rejoicing, but of reflection.”

 

I’ve experienced many good Christmas celebrations, including watching grandchildren’s faces light up on Christmas morning when they see, for a fact, the existence of Santa.  But the most sentimental memories harken back to days long ago.  There are three Christmases that stand out for me, in part because, even at the time, I knew that one day I would look back on them with a special fondness.  The first was in 1971, when, as the photo clearly illustrates, my brothers and I were a lot younger.  But that Christmas was special because our brother Jack and his family came home for the holidays.  His job had taken him to Canada that year, so we had gone months without seeing him and his family.  We had so much fun, finally gathered in one place again, with a renewed appreciation for being together.

The second Christmas I remember fondly was ten years later – 1981.  It had been an eventful decade, with some rough marital challenges, so Christmas Eve ended up being just our parents, us three kids, and Bob’s wife, Linda.  We had a very long cocktail hour, followed by a delicious dinner, and then someone (I think it was Bob) suggested that we go Christmas caroling in our parents’ neighborhood.  Everyone except our mom (who was more reluctant than the rest of us to make a fool of herself) serenaded all of their friends in the area.  I think we brought our own refreshments, and then people invited us in for more, and all I remember is Dad singing “O Come, All Ye Faithful” with much gusto as we wandered down the street, laughing all the way.  Remembering that night still brings a smile to my face.

Finally, in 2000, I remember Christmas with sentimentality and a bit of sadness.  Dad’s heart was weak, he had lost a lot of weight, and we knew his time was short.  We gathered at Bob and Linda’s house, Pop dressed up in a green sweatsuit, just like an elf.  Despite this rather poor photo of him, he was in his usual cheerful mood. He was very tired and early in the evening, as the rest of us gathered at the outside bar, Pop decided to take snooze in the family room recliner.  When I went into the house to check on him, he was dozing, but awake enough that he took my hand, and told me how much he loved me.  He died just four weeks later.  Christmas has not been the same since.

We pay homage to him each time we’re together, re-telling stories or invoking some of his hilarious quips.  And each Christmas we fix Pop’s Christmas Ice Cream fizz.  It was one of his specialties and he made it every Christmas morning.  It is delicious, and fattening, as all good treats should be.  Unlike Christmas cookies or pies, the fizz has the added benefit of making you feel just a little bit better.  Sometimes that can come in handy on Christmas morning. So, this year we are once again sharing his recipe so that you and your family might also enjoy this wonderful tradition.

Bob and I wish you and yours a very Merry Christmas.  Many of you will be able to gather together again this year and that alone makes it a Christmas worth remembering, when Christmas 2021 is a long time ago.

 

POP’S CHRISTMAS ICE CREAM FIZZ

Fill a blender 1/4 full of ice cubes

Add 6 jiggers of gin

Add 4 scoops of French Vanilla ice cream

Add 1 small bottle of soda water (the size you get in a 6-pack)

My brother Bob adds an egg, so the white adds some froth, brother Jack doesn’t add an egg.  Personally, I’d add it just because you can then claim it’s a protein drink.

Just blend it well and – voila – you have a concoction sure to put a positive spin on everyone and everything!

Our mom served them in a wine glass with a dash of nutmeg.  As we got older, we would conspire with Pop and ditch the wine glass for a chilled beer mug from the freezer. Saved having to go back for seconds…or thirds.

 

 

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OUR ANNUAL USELESS CHRISTMAS GIFT GIVING GUIDE – 2021

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By Suzanne Sparrow Watson

It’s the time of year that finds many of you in the throes of holiday shopping.  That is, if you can find anything on the shelves.  I bought some Christmas cards for the family the other day and noticed that there were a lot more “slip the money in the slot” cards this year.  Money always fits and never has to be returned, but it’s not much fun to open.  So, for those of you who like to actually give a gift, we offer the 2021 edition of our Useless Christmas Gift Guide.

It seems that everyone is on a health kick these days, trying to take off the extra pounds packed on during COVID.  We offer Kale Candy Canes as a gift that won’t be forgotten.   It’s a genuine two-fer: a candy and a vegetable!  That said, I wouldn’t recommend giving these to your grandchildren, lest you be forever branded as the grandparent that gives really lousy candy.

If you are living with someone who has put on the aforementioned extra weight, we strongly recommend that you not make mention of it.  But if you are foolish enough to do so, we suggest you stock up on bandages for the resulting scrapes and bruises.  What could be better than Bacon Bandages?  The problems may set in when you have to explain why you are wearing bacon, but hey, you got yourself into this mess so you can get yourself out.

A lot of people discover new ailments, many of them imagined after watching infomercials on TV.  If you are living with a hypochondriac, we have found just the right stocking stuffer – the hypochondriac 50 Things That Might Kill You deck of cards.  The recipient simple shuffles the deck, chooses a card, and then complains of that ailment for the rest of the day.

 

Of course, if you’re of a certain age, you can blame everything on your bad memory.  But blaming memory issues on someone else calls for a deft hand.  After all, you don’t want to insult them by mentioning their seeming incoherence, especially during the holidays.  So much like you might offer a breath mint to someone who just ate tzatziki sauce, we suggest you offer them Memory Mints.  These are extra-strength, which comes in handy if you’re hosting your in-laws and have heard the same story 50 times.  These mints could save your marriage.

 

We’ve all seen the news lately where gangs of thieves are bursting into stores to rob them.  As you are out doing your holiday shopping it pays to be on alert and to protect yourself as best you can.  To ensure your safety we suggest the Switchblade Spork.  It will come in handy as you celebrate a holiday meal but can instantly transform into a deadly weapon.  Sort of.  No guarantees.

 

And who among us hasn’t acted a bit snippy lately?  It’s hard to find good news and we’re all tired of pandemic panic.  As mentioned in a previous post, there has been a rise in rude behavior, road rage and generally bitchy moods.  Speaking with some degree of authority on this, I’m tired of saying, “I’m sorry”.  How much easier to deal with an apology if we simply use the Apology form?  It covers everything from, “I forgot” to “I’m a schmuck”.  There’s even a place to check to indicate whether you will – or will not – ever commit that infraction again.  You might want to stock up on these.

Finally, and I hate to beat a dead horse here, but it has been a trying couple of years.  Many of us could use a little polish on our social skills.  Our final recommendation is a classic: “How to Win Friends and Influence People” by Dale Carnegie.  It’s an oldie, but a goodie, and I think should be handed out free at the DMV.  Or Starbucks.  Anywhere that might get to the greatest amount of people in the shortest amount of time.  We are hanging onto civilization by a thread these days.

I hope this list helps make your holiday shopping a bit easier.  Or at least provided a laugh.  Next time:  Pop’s famous Christmas Ice Cream Fizz recipe!