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Does Anybody’s Government Work?

Headlines: It’s Not My Job

President Giorgio Napolitano, told an irate Italian mob

That fixing his own government was not part of his job.

So to keep the masses happy as they tried to go berserk,

He gave the task to Monti to see if he could make it work.

Money: Saturn Permanently In Orbit

Just as General Motors started writing ink that’s black,

In the Saturn gear shift, inspectors found a little crack.

To places you’re not going, you may just have arrived,

‘Cuz when you put the car in Park it might just be in Drive.

Sports: Where Spirit is Still Alive

Does it seem that sports in general has lost that old rah-rah,

With the stand-off in the NBA and the fall of Coach JoPa.

If you’re looking for a contest that doesn’t have such shame,

Stay in your local neighborhood and catch a high school game.

Life: What if Kennedy Hadn’t Been Assassinated?

Stephen King has written a novel called ‘11/22/63’

About that faithful day in Dallas when we lost John Kennedy.

But of course it has a twist, he’s got history reversed;

In his story someone ends up shooting Harvey Oswald first.

 

Only 40 More Shopping Days Until Christmas and You Still Don’t Know

What to Get Aunt Mildred.

Try: www.redposey.com

 

DUMB ACTS

Headlines:  Maybe the Alzheimer’s test is in order.

Rick Perry had a stumble at the debate the other night,

His fumbling and his stalling suggest his brain has taken flight.

If you have three things to remember and you can only recall two,

Then perhaps the job of President is not the one for you.

Money:  If it’s Thursday the market must be up.

Who the heck can plan their budget in this age of market swings,

Never knowing from week to week what stock prices will bring.

If it isn’t Greece, it’s Italy or some company’s fallen flat,

We need to have a Ouija board – is there an app for that?

Sports:     No, football is not the most important thing…even in Happy Valley.

JoePa’s out at Penn State after sixty-one years,

Resulting in reactions from rioting to tears.

He was a  great coach in his prime but this should be understood,

He didn’t have the courage to stand up when he should.

Life:  We hear Kim Kardashian is available.

Piers Morgan has decided that he will quit his job,

On the “America’s Got Talent” judging panel mob.

His replacement will no doubt need to agree to certain terms:

Humor Sharon’s ramblings and don’t give Howie any germs.

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Can You Tap Dance in Flip Flops?

Headlines: I Feel Strongly Both Ways

Romney’s getting bashed for the changing of his stances;

Is he trying to get ready for some presidential dances?

Some who know him best, have heard that he has said,

“When Obama leaves I hope he leaves his flip flops by the bed.”

Money: Greco-Roman Wrestling

Just as we get the Greeks turned around, so to speak,

It seems that the Euro has sprung another leak.

This time it’s the Italians, their future’s not so sunny;

They gotta dough, they gotta bread, but they ain’t gotta no money.

Sports: Defensive Game is Offensive

Last week we were hyping the Tigers and the Tide,

But LSU and Alabama took us for a ride.

The game had not one touchdown, no great runs, no great passes

Disappointing all the couch potatoes sitting on their asses

Life: He Thought He Was Dr. Kevorkian

The jury’s has come back with manslaughter, involuntary

And Dr. Murray’s comments that followed seemed quite scary

“What was it, drips or shots or was it probing with my scanner?

Or was it just you didn’t seem to like my bedside manner?”

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Freddie and the Greeks

Headlines: No One Wants A Greek In A Position . . . To Fail

In Athens the economy is struggling

As alignment with the Euro they seek.

The rest of Europe’s not happy with the problem,

But no one dares turn their back to a Greek.

 Money: Lots of Money That No One Can Qualify For

We have lowered mortgage rates to a scant four percent,

Said Freddie Mac with its usual smirk.

But what Freddie fails to see is that no one buys homes

When most buyers are still out of work.

Sports: This Weekend: Football, Southern Style

 College football’s lollapalooza

Is this Saturday in old Tuscaloosa;

The Tigers and Tide

Play for #1 pride,

Neither wants to come away as the loser.

Life: I Can See Bill and His Cigarette Holder Now

Bill Murray, the actor of comedic fame,

Has announced that he’s going to star

In a role that seems quite a stretch for the clown;

He’ll be playing the great FDR.

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IT’S TIME TO SAY GOOD NIGHT

Headlines:  Hmmmm, what’s the old saying?  Deny, deny, deny. 

It’s been discovered Herman Cain had a sexual harassment charge,

A case that he now claims was settled and discharged.

All we know is when the press rakes a contender over the coals,

It must surely mean that candidate is leading in the polls.

Money:  Want to place money on how many fights there will be? 

Macy’s and Target have announced Black Friday plans,

They’ll be opening up at midnight for all their shopping fans.

We’re not sure that after a meal and drinking, most likely to excess,

Is the time to gather shoppers who are tipsy, crazed and stressed.

Sports:  He did not go to the Bobby Knight school of coaching.

Sadly, the coaching ranks are losing one of  baseball’s best,

Tony LaRussa has decided to fly the Cardinal’s nest.

He’s been a gentleman and classy, a mentor and a sage,

And he’s one of the rare guys that know when to leave the stage.

 

Life:  Who had the over/under at 72 days?

Well,  we’re SHOCKED that Kim Kardashian has filed for divorce,

From her husband of two months who rode in on a white horse.

We think he may have figured out that his quickie vows and mating,

Were done to ensure the season finale would have the highest rating.

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HOLLOW HALLOWEEN

An opinion…by Suzanne Watson

I read the other day that Americans will spend $6.9 billion on Halloween this year, more than any other holiday except Christmas.  The head of the National Retail Association says that Halloween is now a “season”.  I guess I should have known that, what with all the paraphernalia that is evident everywhere from the grocery store to Ace Hardware.  But when did this happen?  When did Halloween turn into something that – like Christmas – the retailers have taken over and completely exploited?

At the risk of sounding like Andy Rooney, it seems like Halloween has gotten much too complicated.  When I was a kid Halloween was simple.  Costumes were cobbled together from things found around the house – a sheet with holes in it for a ghost or towels pinned around the neck for a Superman cape.  If one was really lucky you had a grandparent with a glass eye so you could borrow their patch for a pirate costume.  The occasional kid bought a plastic mask at the five and dime but that was thought to be phony and close to cheating.  The fun of Halloween was using our imagination to come up with the cleverest costume.  We proudly marched in our school parades and vied for the prize for best costume.   Yep – they gave out one award.  We didn’t get a ribbon just for participating.

On Halloween night, we were let loose in the neighborhoods near us with a battle plan that would have done justice to an Army general.  We plotted out which houses to avoid – those that gave out hard candy or fruit – and which to hit first.  The lady around the corner was always our starting point because she made delicious popcorn balls.  Then we progressed to the homes that dished out candied apples, divinity, brownies, and fudge.  We never gave a thought about eating food that had been prepared by someone we didn’t really know.  It was all home-made, lovingly wrapped up in waxed paper or aluminum foil, and it was scrumptious.

These days Halloween has turned into an extravaganza – or in the words of the retailers – a “season”.  At my local Target the part of the store that hasn’t already been turned into a Christmas wonderland is dedicated to over-the-top Halloween displays.  And our Hallmark store is a complete freak show.   There are strings of lights to put on the house, special Halloween gift bags and toys, a Pin the Tail on the Cat game and aisle after aisle of decorations and party favors.

According to the article, adults are increasingly participating in this holiday that was once the domain of children.  I suppose we should have seen this coming.  People are in need of an escape these days and what better way to suppress your anger about your 401K than to dress up like one of the Angry Birds?  Still, it seems like this should be a holiday for children, not another excuse for mom and dad to dress up like fools (we still have New Year’s Eve for that).

But the real change is that so many kids no longer trick-or-treat.  Now the trend is to have home parties.    I know that there are more risks today and that the world is full of scary people, but I still find it sad that kids miss the fun of going house to house.  Because no matter how great the favors are from Target, it can’t be as much fun as plotting routes, knocking on strangers’ doors and being rewarded with popcorn balls.

Selfishly, I miss seeing the kids come around each year.  I miss asking them about their costumes and providing the appropriate response when they twirl in their princess dress or growl in their werewolf mask.  I still buy Snickers bars each Halloween in hopes that someone will come by, but inevitably they end up in my freezer.  Eventually my husband and I eat them and I end up doing extra time at the gym.  Halloween – and my metabolism – are both different these days.

THE SCARIEST HALLOWEEN IN YEARS

A commentary by Bob Sparrow

It’s that time of year, a time for scary things.  Here are some things that are scaring the shit out of me this Halloween.

  • Our government  Never have we been so polarized.  We see our government not trying to do what’s right for the American people, but making sure the other party doesn’t get credit for doing what’s right for the American people.  If you want to start an argument, just take a right or left position on a subject and you will very quickly see a ‘house divided’.  Our government is broken and no one seems to care, much less know how to fix it.
  • Politicians (Obviously I’m not done with our government yet!)  Today’s
    politicians from both parties are first, self-serving, then party-serving and rarely, if ever, think about 1) serving the people in their constituency, and 2) doing what is best for the country.  Our Social Security program is not good enough for them; our health care system is not good enough for them.  Get them on the same programs as the rest of us, get them term limits and get them out!  They are the problem they’re pretending to fix.
  • Our position on illegal aliens  What don’t people get about the word ‘illegal’?  We have always been a nation of laws, except when it comes to this issue.  It is now considered to be prejudicial and politically incorrect (another scary thing) to try to up-hold the law regarding this problem, because it is primarily directed at the Hispanic community.  Bull shit!  Illegal is illegal.  We have good immigration laws, it’s scary that we don’t enforce them.
  • The dumbing down of America.  Perhaps it’s because modern technology has exposed more, but wow, are we stupid!  People don’t read anymore, they get their news, thoughts and cultural enlightenment from reality TV and celebrity
    tweets.  It’s scary how important what Lindsay Lohan and Kim Kardashian are doing.  Our commitment to education is best demonstrated by the ever-widening
    gap between what we pay our professional athletes and what we pay our teachers.
  • Retirement.  It’s turned me into a sedentary curmudgeon.

 What’s scaring you this Halloween? 

Use our ‘Comments’ section to let us know.

THE BOOB TUBE

Headlines:  Keep the kids away from the debates! 

The experts now report that second-hand TV is bad for kids,

Its distractions and diversions can put their learning on the skids.

They say the kids need face time and interactive talk,

Else they’ll end up unable to simultaneously chew gum and  walk.

Money: Can we look forward to the McBratwurst? 

McDonald’s has announced it is bringing back the McRib,

And we have to say it looks tasty – about that we cannot fib.

In Germany they offer it year ‘round, but not here in the U.S.,

Their marketers know what we cannot have will cause us to obsess.

Sports:  Why don’t we throw in a car and a house while we’re at it? 

We think the NCAA has finally lost its grip,

They want to pay $2000 more on each athletic scholarship.

That’s in addition to tuition, books, board and all their fees,

How about they start requiring that more athletes earn degrees?

Life:  Newsflash:  Stupid is “in” again. 

As if there isn’t enough crap jamming the air waves,

Beavis and Butthead are coming back with their antics and their raves.

They’ve been gone for 14 years but here’s the real shock,

This time ‘round they aren’t the stupidest TV program on the block.

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I’m From The Government And I’m Here To Help

Headlines: Romney Practices Presidential Double-Speak

Did Romney hire illegal help to care for his lawn and yard?

He said in the debates this week that to know was really hard.

He bobbed and weaved so deftly, we didn’t know what he meant;

It looks like he is well-equipped to be our next president.

 

Money:  The One Step Forward, Two Steps Back Government Waltz

Social Security benefits, for the first time in three years

Will increase by 3.9 percent; we could hear the senior cheers.

But before they spend that money, there something they should know;

Their medical expenses will increase by four-point-oh.

 

Sports: It’s A Small World After All

It’s the start of the ‘Fall Classic’ when the rest of the world we snub;

With the exception of Toronto, which we’ve let into our club;

 Other countries that play baseball must surely feel quite slighted;

As we call it the World Series, but no other countries are invited.

 

Life: Believe Him Or Not 

Sometimes the weather’s sunny, sometimes a huge downpour,

But this week, climate guru and former veep Al Gore

Has warned us of our failings, global warming he lamented

In a story on the Internet, which he’ll tell you he invented.

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EVERYBODY HAS A BONE TO PICK

Headlines:  Some of these people can’t tell Groucho from Karl. 

The Occupy Wall Street group continues to rant and wail,

Pointing out that it’s just wrong to have a firm “too big to fail”.

But amongst the valid points and the demonstrating mood,

It would appear that some are there just to pick up the free food.

Money:  It’s nice to know that the same lame excuses are bi-lingual.

The Chinese head of Wal-Mart has announced he’ll leave his post,

“To spend time with his family” is what he tried to boast.

But we’ve been around the block and we recognize chagrin,

It seems our best export to China is the ability to spin.

Sports:  We can’t wait for the rematch.

The Series has been set and now we know which teams to cheer,

And in college the BCS released its first standings of the year.

But the coaches stole the story in the 49er’s and Lion’s fight,

And it’s kinda hard to decide whether Harbaugh or Schwartz was right.

Life:  Perhaps Bjork was his inspiration? 

Amidst Clooney’s new flick and “The Walking Dead” premiere,

This weekend brought us news that caused both dread and fear.

Stephen Tyler, that hot mess, will now sell clothes for the rich and hip,

We’re thinking the only thing worse is if he made liner for our lips.

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