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ARE YOU SH*TING ME?

The news is getting worse with time;

Sometimes we get too pissed to rhyme.

 Headlines:       Are you sh*ting me?  Our fiscal year ends Friday and our elected representatives are politicking, brinksmanshiping, threatening another government shutdown as the Disaster Relief Funds has become a political football.  You know who really needs Disaster Relief?  We do; the disaster is the people running our government.  Democrat, Republican or Independent, I’m campaigning for anyone who isn’t an incumbent.

Money: Are you sh*ting me?  Quit sugar-coating it, the stock market is nothing like a roller coaster ride – at least there’s some enjoyment there; we’re walking under a piano that’s being dropped from a three-story building.  We don’t know about you, but we certainly can’t figure out what the Germans are going to do about the Greeks or what the Chinese are going to do with all our debt.  Best money idea – backyard, coffee can, shovel.

Sports: Are you sh*ting me?   The Dallas Cowboys win a game where the only way they score is by kicking 6 field goals.  If you can’t score a touchdown, you shouldn’t win the  game.  Rumor has it that the Cowboys were inspired by the following quote that was hanging in their locker room: “I keek a touchdown”  Garo Yepremian, 1966

Life: Are you sh*ting me? Saudi Arabia might be allowing women to vote . . . in 2015!  However Saudi women will still not be able to travel, work, marry, get divorced, be admitted to a hospital or live independently without permission from a male guardian.  Can you say oil independence?

And one last thing: Are you sh*ting me?  Our financially strapped government is looking to provide college scholarships to illegal aliens.  Not that our elected
representative should know the law or anything, but that is aiding and abetting
a criminal . . . and that’s a FELONY.

Have a nice day!

STOP THE SILLINESS

Headlines:  Do we have ourselves a “Situation”? 

Chris Christie axed the tax credit for “The Jersey Shore”,

Saying taxpayers shouldn’t foot the bill for that drivel anymore.

While Christie may not run for prez, he sure is a smart cookie,

‘Cause he calls ‘em as he sees ‘em, even when it’s Snookie.

Money:  Is there a charge for walking in the door?

It seems that more and more we’re being squeezed for every buck,

Now banks will charge us more just when we’re all down on our luck.

Checking accounts will rarely be free, add that to our list of fines,

The banks are beginning to nickel and dime us just like the airlines.

Sports:  Is there a “no-tell” clause in that contract?

Tigers Woods signed a new caddie, Joe LaCava is his name,

He has hopes that this new “looper” will improve his mind and game.

Why Freddie’s former caddie would sign with Tiger has us vexed,

But we do know his main job will be keeping track of Tiger’s texts.

Life:  We’re a long way from Archie and Veronica

DC Comics has unleashed a new series of Teen Titans,

Super Boy will save the day and Thrice will scare and frighten.

A gay character that builds brick walls is a new invention,

We can hardly wait to see the next ComicCon convention.

Need to order an invitation to a holiday party?

Why not have us do it in verse?

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Planning Your Next Hike?

Headlines: I thought you brought the map!

Just in case you are thinking of camping and hiking,

Keep something in mind if you can;

Bring supplies for two years if you’re planning to go

Near the border of Iraq and Iran.

Money: Help wanted, some travel involved.

For the jobless we’re hearing there’s news that is good;

 There’s someplace where employment is growing.

If you’re looking for work and don’t like paying taxes,

To the Middle East you should be going.

Sports: Which group of millionaire crybabies are you rooting for?

The NBA players can’t agree with the owners;

Greed for millions has led to a fatigue.

Training camps have been cancelled along with some games;

Perhaps we just scrap the whole league.

Life: Was Henny Penny Right?

NASA told us that pieces of a satellite were falling;

As to where, they guessed the Pacific.

Or maybe on a house or a car or your head;

They just weren’t sounding too scientific.

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CHANGE IS IN THE AIR

Headlines:  Did Meg get a signing bonus?

 Once the champ of the Silicon Valley,

HP’s stock hasn’t seen much of a rally.

So they’ve hired Meg Whitman to save the day,

Or, at worst, she can auction it off on EBay.

Business:  Is Facebook trying  to make it more confusing?

 On Thursday, Mark Zukerberg announced a new look,

New music, new games and a “Timeline” for Facebook.

                       Most of us are still reeling from the changes we just got,

Labeling all our friends as “close” … or not.

Sports:  Did Michael or Scottie care?

Dennis Rodman, the Chicago Bull who was just a bit dotty,

Now says he never spoke to Michael or Scottie.

Jordan or Pippen didn’t care, is my guess,

They were too amazed by Rodman’s wedding dress.

Life:  Beyonce will not have your mother’s pregnancy.

 Beyonce sparkled this week at her perfume’s debut,

Said her pregnancy would not be matronly or subdued.

We’re thinking she’ll eat right and try to stay fit,

And not want to put an onion ring on it.

We do poems for all occasions – if you’re in need of a tribute or roast visit our site at:

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JUDGEMENT DAY

Thursday, September 22, 2011

Yesterday two inmates were killed by lethal injection,

Down in Texas and Georgia there usually isn’t much objection.

Whether they  deserve it or not is for others to ascertain,

But we do know Perry supporters uncorked the champagne.

Bernanke bought $400B in bonds that he calls the “Twist”,

But is it just another plan that will get us riled up and pissed?

Because even though we can refi and have extra dough in our pockets,

Our money will be worthless when inflation skyrockets.

Well now, isn’t it interesting that the NFL’s decided,

To crack down on fake injuries that are ridiculous and misguided.

The conniving teams used them to get more time between downs,

But even this new ruling won’t help the hapless Browns.

“X-Factor” debuted last night, Simon Cowell is back for more,

Praising acts he loves, and shredding those that he abhors.

He says that it’s not “Idol”, it’s more polished and honed,

But one thing is the same: figuring out if Paula’s stoned.

How about a twist on the traditional Christmas letter?  We can capture your whole year in verse (even the over-achieving kids).

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Poker Ponzi?

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Our embassy opens in Tripoli soon,

With rebels just catching their breath.

To inspire them, we’ve put up a banner that says,

‘Give me Libya or give me death’

A waiter’s attention is oft hard to get

And sometimes they make a mistake.

So restaurants are putting their menu on iPads,

Now your server is never on break.

The league has been called the Pac 8, 10 and 12,

But there won’t be a Pac 16 now.

To Oklahoma they’ve talked and to Texas as well,

But to both they have finally said, ciao.

Full Tilt Poker is one of the top poker sites,

But we’re told that it’s not what it seems.

They say Texas Hold ‘Em’s the game that they play,

But they’re playing a big Ponzi scheme.

 —

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Metta World Peace? Give Me A Break!

Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Let’s start with a drug deal gone terribly wrong
For some skanky drug dealers in far off Hong Kong.
A ton of cocaine was in boxes, bags, hoses,
Which is better than finding it up our kid’s noses.

What’s this change going on in the fast food restaurants?
Now it’s lettuce, tomatoes, healthy food that they flaunt.
We use to go there for double burgers and fries,
Now it yogurt they’re asking if we want super-sized.

Isaac Newton was known for his bodies in motion,
His laws and his apple caused quite a commotion.
Cam Newton’s the body that’s in motion this season;
Passing 800 yards in two games is the reason.

Ron Artesst changed his name to Metta World Peace,
Now he’s Dancing With The Stars, I guess wonders never cease.
As the dance that we’ll remember is when a fan he chased,
As he waltzed into the bleachers and punched him in the face.

– – –

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IT’S ALL IN A GAME

Monday, September 19, 2011

Palestine this week will go before the United Nations,

To recognize it’s statehood and keep Israel in isolation.

Obama is urging a veto in this unending game of chess,

But it seems no matter what they do, it’s always the same old mess.

Atlantic City wants to capitalize on a familiar use of its name,

And has built a life-size edition of the Monopoly game.

So we were wondering since the pieces are really built to scale,

Will people really have to “Pass Go” and go directly into jail?

The conferences in college football have become a baffling muddle,

It’s a wonder that the QB even knows who’s in the huddle.

Syracuse and Penn’s move to the ACC is the latest deal that’s done,

And yet we still don’t have a good way to determine who’s #1.

Rosie O’Donnell will be unveiling her new show on Oprah’s OWN,

We’ll see if she’s calmed down or if she’s still so overblown.

She’s taking over Oprah’s studio, her producers and her staff,

But will all that good karma ward-off  her usual string of gaffes?

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SAVING FACE

Friday, September 16, 2011

 

 

That nut-job Ahmadinejad may give an early release,

To the two American hikers, for half a million bucks apiece.

It might be reasonable to ask as a condition of their bail,

That next time they confine themselves to the Appalachian Trail.

Seems plastic surgery clinics are the fastest growing biz,

To take care of those who don’t appreciate their face “as is”.

However, some performing the surgeries are not really qualified,

Leaving the patients feeling – and looking – very petrified.

This weekend is the anticipated Mayweather-Ortiz fight,

It promises to be a smash-up, with insults thrown all night.

Mayweather thinks that Ortiz is a punk and rather new,

And that HBO should honor him and call it “May-per-view”.

Sunday night the Emmy’s will reward the year’s best shows,

Some will be deserving, and some just really blow.

We can only hope the reality craze is deemed a passing fad,

Or we’ll have to brace ourselves for more seasons of “Bachelor Pad”.

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EVERYONE’S ATWITTER

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Bob Turner has won Wiener’s New York congressional seat,

Republicans hope that means Obama will go down in defeat.

We don’t know if that is true, but we know how to win a race,

Don’t Twitter your private parts in an attempt to reach first base.

Many young Americans are now moving to the Far East,

That’s where they can find jobs and have their salaries increased.

While their parents will surely miss them, no matter what they may espouse,

They secretly are ecstatic to have them move out of the house.

Boise State football is now the next in line,

To have recruiting violations and receive a NCAA fine.

While we agree that no student should be paid to play defense,

Do they really need to punish a purchase of two dollars, thirty-four CENTS?

Demi Moore is in her 40’s and often in the public view,

One time even naked, covered completely with tattoos.

Now she’s posted on Twitter a nude picture of her back,

At what age will she begin to give us a little slack?

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