By Suzanne Sparrow Watson
Each decade in life brings new discoveries, experiences and, let’s face it, challenges. As a teenager absolutely everything is life-altering and of utmost importance. Parents are so unreasonable and if Johnny doesn’t ask Mary to prom she will just die. In my case I wondered which college would overlook my mediocre grades and focus on my sparkling personality. And it seems everything – and everyone – is embarrassing. Unfortunately I had a truly embarrassing incident when I got a ride home from a boy whose affections I coveted. I had just finished gymnastics practice so I jumped in his car and sat – speechless – clutching my bundle of street clothes, waiting for him to ask me out. He didn’t. And to further my humiliation, when I got home I discovered that my garter belt was missing (yes, I lived before pantyhose were mass produced). I panicked, sifting through my pile of clothes time and time again but to no avail. The belt was missing and the only place it could be was in the car of my “crush”. My horror only increased as I imagined him driving down the main drag, my garter belt flowing in the breeze atop his antenna, signifying some sort of trophy. The next day I walked warily through the school parking lot but mercifully his antenna was unadorned. I never did find out what happened to it but my guess is that I dropped it somewhere between the gym and the parking lot, prompting the janitor to wonder what exactly had been going on in the senior quad. At the time I was certain that my life was ruined. Such is the angst of the teenage years.
College and early adulthood bring their own set of challenges to most of us, from drinking too much to careless career moves. I remember quitting a job once because I was working for one of the all-time jerks. My friends were appalled that I could have such reckless disregard for my next rent payment. But with the confidence of youth, and a robust job market, I went out and found a better job. As a bonus, the jerk was fired a few months later for embezzlement. But it’s middle age when the glow of youth begins to fade and one realizes that things aren’t working exactly as they used to . Infallible memories begin to falter, your chin begins to look like Jabba the Hutt, and everything becomes a blur … literally. I maintain that poor eyesight is the greatest health hazard in America. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve misread the instructions on medicine bottles and directions on maps. I have 11 pair of “cheaters” strewn about the house but when I’m out in public I can never lay my hands on a pair from the depths of my purse. The grocery store is the worst since I do try to read the nutrition labels. I invariably can’t find my glasses so I end thrusting my jar of Hersey’s Fudge sauce in a young person’s face to read the label for me. I buy it anyway. I swear sometimes I think that millennials are designing packaging with the smallest font possible so they can amuse themselves watching us Senior Citizens move our arms back and forth trying to bring the type into focus.
Now in the third phase of life a new “fun” experience is upon me and millions like me: arthritis. That creaking I hear is no longer the floor but the joints in my back and knees. After confirming the diagnosis in my spine, the doctor said, “Well, you know at your age, everyone gets this”. Don’t you just love hearing that? In any event, after a few years of trying to find some relief a friend suggested that I try gin-soaked raisins. I thought she was kidding but what the heck, I’ll try anything that a) might help and, b) contains alcohol. So I did a little research and sure enough, there are whole websites devoted to the subject. Dr. Oz even did a segment on its benefits. The theory is the combination marries the anti-inflammatory properties of the gin’s juniper berries with the antioxidant and anti-inflammatory benefits of golden raisins. Yes, before you run to the pantry for your regular old raisins, apparently only the golden variety contains the right chemicals. On my next trip to the grocery store I bought the ingredients and made up a batch. It takes about a week for the raisins to completely absorb the gin. Then, per instructions, I eat 8-10 a day. Of course, there is the matter of “eating” gin first thing in the morning. You may get some odd looks at the PTA meeting and, I’m not sure, but it seems my dentist was looking askance at me when I had my teeth cleaned last week. But it’s been about two months since I started this regimen and my back and knees are pain-free. Who knows? Maybe my next discovery will be that zucchini and rum fix blurry vision!
I’ll keep you posted on my progress. In the mean time, I’m going to buy some more cheaters for my purse.