By Suzanne Sparrow Watson
Well, children, it’s looking like Christmas may have to be cancelled this year. Bad behavior abounds at the North Pole and there simply isn’t anyone to make and deliver presents. It all started with Santa. Several of his “little helpers” claim that his fingers have been aside things other than his nose. They have produced videos and photos showing him groping and grasping, despite the girth from his gelatinous belly. Somehow, he deems himself irresistible despite the food stuck in his snow white beard and the stench arising from his decades-old uniform. The helpers claim that during their stints at the local mall he has asked them to scout out single suburban moms for him to hit on when he slides down the chimneys in their homes. It seems that the Jolly Old Man is more like the Dirty Old Man. He has insisted that they have the wrong guy, but the beard and the red suit make him hard to misidentify. To complicate matters, Mrs. Claus is no longer around to help Santa prepare toys for his yearly sojourn. Once she got wind of his extra curricular activities she told him he could get his fat ass into his costume by himself this year and took off for Puerto Vallarta. Christmas still might have been salvaged if the elves had been able to take over Santa’s duties, but sadly that is not a viable option.
It seems the Head Elf has a reputation for hitting on the new intern elves. He asks them into his office and proceeds to pleasure himself in front of them. It is known as “The Elf Does Himself” around the toy shop. He is under the delusion that all women are attracted to his bare body and he is partially right; they say he is the biggest tool at the Pole. Unfortunately, the other elves began to emulate his behavior and soon the workshop became the very definition of “hostile work environment”. Toy production suffered because the elves were too busy flirting to get down to making Legos and Mr. Potato Head. Plus, some of the money that was designated for your hard earned toys was spent on settling law suits. Still, after all this, there was hope that maybe the reindeer could fill in and pull the sleigh full of toys unchaperoned. But that was not to be.
While Santa and the elves were “busy” in the workshop, the reindeer were playing their own games out in the barn. Cupid and Vixen took their names literally and were found putting their hooves in inappropriate places. Prancer and Dancer were performing the strip tease, while Blixen and Donner hosted a floating crap game that landed them in so much debt they ended up in the Reindeer Protection Program. Who knows where they are? Dasher and Comet sped out of town, hoping to salvage some shred of dignity. And we all know that Rudolph has a red nose because he’s blotto half the time and is incapable of steering anything.
So, boys and girls, there will be no Santa delivering toys this year. But – take heart! – it could be worse. These characters could be working in the government.