By Bob Sparrow<\/p>\n
Some of you have already put your New Year\u2019s resolutions on paper; hopefully they\u2019re in pencil.\u00a0 Most of us have had some vague ideas rattling around in our heads about how we\u2019d resolve, no, how we\u2019d \u2018wish\u2019 this new year would be different\u00a0from anything we\u2019ve ever experienced in the past.\u00a0 The fact is, while there is typically a lot of \u2018resolutioning\u2019 going on at this time of year, there is very little that is actually resolved.\u00a0 I\u2019m not trying to be a downer here; I\u2019m just trying to keep you from another year of disappointments \u2013 resolution after resolution succumbing to reality sometime in\u00a0January, or if you’re lucky, February. \u00a0I therefore offer you a guide for keeping your resolutions . . . real.<\/p>\n
Bad Resolution: I\u2019m going to lose weight \u00a0<\/strong>The average American adult gains about 2 pounds per year; the average gain in weight over the holidays is about 5 pounds.\u00a0 Even if you got one of those oxymoronic diseases where you painfully, but thankfully lost 10 pounds while feeling miserable, you\u2019ll go right back to your poor diet and lack of exercise as soon as you\u2019re healthy enough to sit\u00a0up and eat a bag of\u00a0chips.<\/p>\n Better Resolution: Fat people are jolly, resolve to be jollier.<\/em><\/p>\n Bad Resolution: I\u2019m going to join a gym <\/strong>\u00a0This is part of the above lie you\u2019ve told yourself about being healthier this year.\u00a0 Gyms prey on people like you in January with deals to get you in the door \u2013 they know you\u2019ll never keep it up, you<\/em>\u00a0know you\u2019ll never keep it up, but you resolve that this year is going to be different.\u00a0 It\u2019s not; save the $29 \u2018special offer\u2019 and all the money you\u2019ll spend on \u2018I\u2019m looking good\u2019 work out gear.<\/p>\n Better Resolution: Walk to the nearest gym, look at all the saps who were duped\u00a0this year, walk home and enjoy a Cinnabon.\u00a0<\/em><\/p>\n I\u2019m going to spend more time with the kids:<\/strong>\u00a0 This assume that the other demands on your time are going to diminish \u2013 they\u2019re not.\u00a0 You love your kids, you want<\/em> to spend more time with them, but are you going to work less, play less golf, miss your favorite TV show?\u00a0 No.\u00a0 Besides, you\u2019re kids are getting older and they want to spend less<\/em> time with you, but will want to see you when they need money.<\/p>\n Better Resolution: Spend \u2018quality\u2019 time with the kids, whatever that is and keep cash handy. <\/em><\/p>\n I\u2019m going to be better at work:<\/strong>\u00a0 A mere turning of the calendar page is not going to make you a better employee or employer.\u00a0 Yes, you can agree to treat Dottie in accounting a little better, but you know she\u2019s going to piss you off when she asks for all those expense\u00a0receipts.\u00a0 And the only way you\u2019re going to become a better salesman this year is if the economy gets better.<\/p>\n Better Resolution: Try to keep your job.<\/em><\/p>\n I\u2019m going to be a better person:<\/strong> This is sort of the \u2018catch all\u2019 resolution; it\u2019s great because it\u2019s vague enough to keep you unaccountable.\u00a0 It can encompass everything from being a better spouse (this is fine until you realize that your partner hasn\u2019t made the same resolution) to finding god (if he wanted you to find him, don\u2019t you think he or she could make that happen?).<\/p>\n Better Resolution: Don\u2019t perpetuate any of that Internet drivel that tells you you\u2019ll have 17 years of bad luck if you don\u2019t pass it along in the next 15 minutes to your 50 closest friends. <\/em><\/p>\n Hope this helps, you\u2019ll thank me in February.\u00a0 Happy Same Old Year. \u00a0The reality is we like you just the way you are.\u00a0 OK, we\u2019d like to see a few changes, but that ain\u2019t gonna happen.<\/p>\n \n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" By Bob Sparrow Some of you have already put your New Year\u2019s resolutions on paper; hopefully they\u2019re in pencil.\u00a0 Most of us have had some vague ideas rattling around in our heads about how we\u2019d resolve, no, how we\u2019d \u2018wish\u2019 … read more