Monthly Archives: December 2018

Posted in Holiday observations • opinion

NEW YEAR’S REVOLUTIONS

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By Suzanne Sparrow Watson

 

I’ve never kept a New Year’s resolution.  I don’t think I’m alone in that confession.  In fact, according to the Huffington Post, only 8% of people keep them.  I was kind of Ditch_New_Years_Resolutions_Daysurprised to learn it was that high.  Who ARE those people?  Probably the same ones who have their taxes filed by February 1 and the Christmas cards done in August.  So, being the sloth that I am, I went in search of resolutions made by people who, like me, have absolutely no intention of losing weight, exercising more or improving my vocabulary.  Luckily, there are a lot of us out there and I found some rather amusing one’s to share with you this last day of 2018:

 

I want to lose just enough weight so that my stomach doesn’t jiggle when I brush my teeth.

I can’t believe it’s been a whole year since I didn’t become a better person.

I need to start eating more healthy, but first I need to eat all the junk food in the house so it’s not there to tempt me anymore.

I don’t call them New Year’s resolutions.  I prefer the term, “Casual promises to myself that I’m under no legal obligation to fulfill”.

My resolution is to stop kidding myself about lifestyle changes.  Nobody likes a cheap, skinny, sober bitch anyway.

Never again will I take sleeping pills and laxatives on the same night.

I’m going to fake my own death, move to Mexico and live off tacos and tequila.

And from a kindergartner:  I’m going to stop picking my nose.  It’s going to be hard.

I’m only making one resolution this year:  I will indulge when the moods strikes.  Not much of a stretch, I admit, but I’m taking inspiration from a friend.  She posted a photo on Facebook last summer of her husband in a 50’s-style diner, grinning like a 10 year-old as he was served a huge chocolate milkshake, with a sidecar to boot.  Tragically, he died unexpectedly last week.  I thought about that photo – he was so excited to indulge, with nary a thought about cholesterol or calories.  Somehow it made me happy to know that he’d had such a satisfying, guiltless moment.  We should all be so lucky.

So, this year, I wish you and your family much happiness and good health…and many chocolate milkshakes!

Posted in Holiday observations

Ban on Christmas Carols to Come

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After call ins from listeners of Cleveland radio station WDOK, the song, Baby It’s Cold Outside, was banned because according to them, “the song’s lyrics hadn’t aged well amid the #MeToo movement.” However, following the ban, national newspaper, USA Today had an article by a self-describes liberal feminist who thinks the song is actually empowering to females. While I understand the spirit in which the song was banned, I’m concerned that our focus on political correctness once again has gone too far. But I know it’s not going to stop, so here is some foreshadowing of banned Christmas carols to come.

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer

All of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names

They never let poor Rudolph play in any reindeer games

While it must take a better imagination than mine to fathom ‘reindeer games’, this is clearly an example of bullying by Donner, Blitzen and the other shiftless reindeer who were planning to strike on Christmas Eve due to fog.  It’s not until a practical use for Rudolph’s shiny proboscis is found that he’s finally accepted. You won’t be hearing this song for too much longer.

And what about I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus? Ostensibly this is a song from a small child’s perspective who sneaks down on Christmas Eve to see if he can catch a glimpse of Santa.  He gets more than a glimpse; he sees his mother kissing and tickling Santa  as she is clearly coming on to him. In the song the small lad questions whether he should tell his father. What a position to put a young child in. And what opinion does this child take away about Santa Claus? Is he doing this in every house with other Mommies? Is it really better to be naughty than nice?  Don’t plan on hearing much of this song in the future.

Gramma Got Run Over By A Reindeer is a classic case of a homicidal hit-and-run by Santa (probably hustling to get to that next house to kiss more Mommies) and irresponsibility by the entire family.

She’d been drinkin’ too much eggnog and we’d begged her not to go
But she’d left her medication so she stumbled out the door into the snow

Really?!? The family is letting an elderly woman go out on a cold winter’s night on Christmas Eve to walk home to get her medication after she’s been drinking? The song goes on to describe an unremorseful Grandpa, who is playing cards, watching football and drinking beer after his wife was found the next morning murdered by Santa. I wonder if WDOK is still playing this song!!

Do You Hear What I Hear – this holiday standard openly pokes fun at the elderly, who rarely can hear what everyone else hears – so they make a song about it?!

Christmas Don’t Be Late by the Chipmunks tries to be a song for little children, but the constant screaming at and berating of Alvin (Who is clearly ADD), and the lack of diversity amongst the chipmunk (they are all the same color) clearly sends the wrong message to our youth.

And speaking of diversity, I’m assuming I don’t need to elaborate on the political incorrectness of the lyric I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas. And God forbid when we get to the bottom of what Fa La La La La and Rum Pa Pum Pum really mean; I’ll think we’ll have another couple of songs on the ‘Do Not Play’ list.

The Twelve Days of Christmas is certainly a song for and about the privileged. While many families struggle to make ends meet during the holidays, this song describes numerous, insidious gifts lavished on a ‘true love’. It’s been estimated that to give someone the gifts mentioned in this song would cost over $35,000.   By itself nine ladies dancing is about $7,500, if they are lap dances, much more!

Also be ready for the changing of the title of Frosty the Snowman to Frosty the Snowperson

Please understand that this is just the beginning; we have yet to examine those ‘foreign’ Christmas songs like Adeste Fideles, Feliz Navidad and Mele Kalikimaka; I’m fairly certain that a politically correct translation of these songs will reveal their inappropriateness as well.

 

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Posted in opinion

A CHRISTMAS TOAST

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By Suzanne Sparrow Watson

Just hangin’ with the former Pres.

George H.W. Bush was a hero of mine.  I didn’t always agree with him politically, but in 1999 I read his book, All the Best, and fell in love.  I fell in love with his character, his joyful sense of fun, his integrity and his love of family and friends.  In so many ways he represented what was good about the Greatest Generation – an ethic forged through the Depression and WWII that stood for so many values we cherish.  As luck would have it, just weeks after finishing his book I was privileged to meet him.  He was as charming in person as he was on the written page.   I had my photo taken with him and was so excited to learn they would send me a copy of it.  I imagined framing it and placing it prominently in my office.  A few weeks later when it arrived my heart sunk.  The photo looked so unlike me that for an instant I thought they had mixed up my photo with someone else’s.  Finally in my despair I figured out the problem – a few days before the photo was taken I had undergone Lasik surgery.  Obviously I was still sensitive to light so when the camera flashed on my pupils I scrunched up like a Shar Pei dog.  For almost 20 years the photo has been hidden in a closet.  But as I watched his memorial services a couple of weeks ago I thought again about my encounter with him and dragged it out.  It did not improve with time.  But still…I love having that moment captured.  As I listened to his eulogies I thought about something told to me when my father died – that when a friend loses a parent it brings back all of the emotions you have about your own parents’ passing.

That rang especially true as I heard George W. say that the last words his dad said to him was, “I love you.”  A week before my dad died I boondoggled a trip up to Northern California so that I could go visit him in the hospital.  He was in rare form that day, laughing and joking, and generally keeping the nurses merrily entertained.  When I had to leave to attend that pesky meeting I’d manufactured, I leaned over his bed and told him I loved him.  He gave me a big smile and said, “I love you too, sweetheart.”  Although I spoke with my mom daily about his condition, those words from him were his last to me – a week later he died suddenly at home of a heart attack.  I know what comfort his words have brought me over the years and I know that George W. will undoubtedly take solace in those same words from his dad.  I miss my dad all year, but especially at Christmas when I remember all the fun we had and the joy he brought to every family gathering.

Our Pop – a jolly man indeed!

So for this Christmas post I’d like to pay tribute and toast all of the people of that generation.  We are losing them far too quickly and with each of their deaths we mourn not only them, but the civility they embodied.   I can’t think of a better beverage with which to toast than Pop’s famous Ice Cream Gin Fizz.  He served it every Christmas morning and it gave a roseate hue to the entire day.  We share his recipe in the hopes that you will also take a moment to remember those we’ve lost with a toast of ice cream and gin.  How can you go wrong?

POP’S CHRISTMAS ICE CREAM FIZZ
Fill a blender 1/4 full with ice cubes
Add 6 jiggers of gin
Add 4 scoops of French Vanilla ice cream
Add 1 small bottle of soda water (the size you get in a 6-pack)
My brother Bob adds an egg so the white adds some froth, brother Jack doesn’t add an egg. Personally, I’d add it just because you can then claim it’s a protein drink.

Just blend it well and – voila – you have a concoction sure to put a positive spin on everyone and every thing!
Our mom served them in a wine glass with a dash of nutmeg. As we got older we conspired with Pop and ditched the wine glass for a chilled beer mug from the freezer. Saved having to go back for seconds…or thirds.

Wishing all of our subscribers a very happy holiday season!  Cheers!

Posted in Holiday observations

Lights Out . . . Christmas!

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by Bob Sparrow

I wasn’t really snooping, but as I went out into the garage to pull down the boxes with all my outside Christmas decorations in them and I heard voices. I stopped, leaned forward and listened. Indeed, there were voices coming from the boxes of Christmas decorations. I creeped a little closer and put my ear up to the holiday box.

“OK, you over there, spin around and climb through here; you, twist around a couple of times and do a summersault through here. You over there, back up through this hole and hold hands with her.”

Yes, it was just as I suspected, each year I carefully take down and tie my Christmas lights into a nice roll, label them as to where they came from and place them gently in the box. When I go to get them the following year, they are all knotted up with each other and in complete disarray. How does that happen? I was about to learn; I listened further.

“We need a couple of volunteers again this year; one to climb out of your socket and hide somewhere where he can’t find you. We need a second volunteer to wriggle out of your socket just a little, so you light up when he tests us, but not when he put us up. Walter, I think you were close to the top of the roofline last year, so you’d be a good one to volunteer for that. OK, thanks. Those of you who are close to that label he put on us last year, let’s get that off as soon as possible; if you can put it on another bundle of lights, all the better. Don’t forget, if you feel like you’re going to go out this year, wait until you get up on the house and then go out. And listen up everyone, what happens when one of us goes out? WE ALL GO OUT! That’s right, we’re a team, we need to stick together so he has to test each one of us to find the one that’s actually bad. We’ll also need a volunteer to give one up for the team this year when he lays us out on the driveway, someone needs to roll under his foot and get crushed. You’ll be remembered as a hero to all of us.

Deer-in-a-Box

Meanwhile, in the box next to it, I can hear the lighted reindeer talking to himself, getting ready for ‘his gig’.

“Man, it will be good to get out of this fricking box and get all my pieces put together. . . hopefully correctly this year! How hard is it to put my tail on the other end of my body from my head? I don’t know who I pissed off, but I spend 11 months with my head up my ass in a small box and then I gotta stand out on the front lawn with a smile on my face, freezing my ass off, looking all Christmassy for the next month – no food, no water and my antlers will probably be facing the wrong direction again this year. Wish I could poop all over his lawn; actually I just wish I could poop.  I know I look transparent, but I’m feeling a little blocked up.”

The artificial Christmas tree resides elsewhere in a storage shed. Yes, I lost the battle of ‘real’ tree versus ‘artificial’ tree, last year when my last ‘real’ tree had a small fire that was put out fairly quickly, albeit after a good deal of water settled into the carpet and the walls became a bit ashy. I mentioned to Linda that the fire retardant actually looked like snow on the tree, but she failed to see the humor in that.

As late afternoon brought darkness, I headed out to the street in front of the house to admire my work.  Of course, the highest string of lights on the house was out, but I know just where to look for the culprit.  No, all the lights didn’t all come on at the same time, but that’s an easy fix.  So I’m feeling pretty good until I look at the reindeer and wonder if those antlers are on correctly.  Then I notice something under the reindeer that looks an awful lot like reindeer poop.  No way!  It turned out to be just a leaf, but I thought I noticed a smile on the reindeer’s face.

May all your lights stay bright.

 

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OUR ANNUAL USELESS GIFT GIVING GUIDE

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By Suzanne Sparrow Watson

It’s that time of year.  People scurrying about – shopping, cooking, eating, drinking.  Lots of drinking.  As always, we here at “From a Bird’s Eye View” are here to make your life just a bit easier.  Today, we provide our annual list of useless gifts for that hard-to-shop-for person on your list.  Where else can you get this kind of valuable information?

 

 

First, for the person who fashions him or herself as a “jock”, we have just the item.  The ‘Nose Aerobics” game.  The recipient simply slips on the glasses and tries to flip the ball into the basket.  It’s perfect for that brother-in-law who you’d like to bash in the head.  What could be better than watching him do it to himself?  Or perhaps it’s just the thing for the annoying cousin who is a perfect size 0 and just finished the New York Marathon.  You can challenge her to get her nose in shape and she’ll sit in the corner with this and free everyone else from hearing about her split times and muscle cramps.  Trust me, this gift has endless applications.

 

 

Or maybe you have a new baby in the family.  Frankly, babies think they can get by just being cute.  We say it’s time to put them to work!  Place the “Baby Mop” on your infant and let the fun begin!  You get to watch them try to crawl around, all the while getting your floors polished.  Oh sure, they may get a little dust and dander up their nose but think of it as preparing them to live in China, where by the time s/he is an adult, everyone will be working anyway.  Your baby will be miles ahead of the competition with their already-compromised lungs.

 

 

 

 

 

Next, for someone that you really like, do them a favor and give them the Nap Sack.  For the love of God, where was this when I was working, sitting through endless boring meetings?  Think of the times you’ve wished you could unobtrusively just nod off and no one would know.  By placing the Nap Sack on your head people won’t know if you’re asleep or planning a terrorist attack.  Either way, they’ll probably leave you alone to nap in sublime peacefulness.

 

 

 

 

For the person who has everything a set of Handerpants might do.  Again, not only can they keep hands warm but it’s a safe bet that anyone who sees a person wearing these will cut a wide swath.  On the more practical side, I’ve seen some rather obscene tattoos on fingers lately so if you know someone who has “E.A.T. S.H.I.T” on their fingers this item could be helpful if they need to go to Grandma’s for Christmas dinner.

 

 

 

 

 

Finally, there’s always that one person on your list who is difficult to please.  They have everything, they don’t like anything you’ve ever given them, and frankly, they don’t deserve much.  To the rescue comes The Gift of Nothing.  This little ball of nothing sets the person straight – it proclaims that Nothing is better than Christmas.  It is the ultimate gift of minimalism.  Something that the neighbors in “Christmas Vacation” might enjoy.  Or your sister who only wears black and eschews any form of holiday cheer.  Nothing can be the perfect gift.

 

We hope that these ideas prove helpful.  You can thank us later.