Ban on Christmas Carols to Come

After call ins from listeners of Cleveland radio station WDOK, the song, Baby It’s Cold Outside, was banned because according to them, “the song’s lyrics hadn’t aged well amid the #MeToo movement.” However, following the ban, national newspaper, USA Today had an article by a self-describes liberal feminist who thinks the song is actually empowering to females. While I understand the spirit in which the song was banned, I’m concerned that our focus on political correctness once again has gone too far. But I know it’s not going to stop, so here is some foreshadowing of banned Christmas carols to come.

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer

All of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names

They never let poor Rudolph play in any reindeer games

While it must take a better imagination than mine to fathom ‘reindeer games’, this is clearly an example of bullying by Donner, Blitzen and the other shiftless reindeer who were planning to strike on Christmas Eve due to fog.  It’s not until a practical use for Rudolph’s shiny proboscis is found that he’s finally accepted. You won’t be hearing this song for too much longer.

And what about I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus? Ostensibly this is a song from a small child’s perspective who sneaks down on Christmas Eve to see if he can catch a glimpse of Santa.  He gets more than a glimpse; he sees his mother kissing and tickling Santa  as she is clearly coming on to him. In the song the small lad questions whether he should tell his father. What a position to put a young child in. And what opinion does this child take away about Santa Claus? Is he doing this in every house with other Mommies? Is it really better to be naughty than nice?  Don’t plan on hearing much of this song in the future.

Gramma Got Run Over By A Reindeer is a classic case of a homicidal hit-and-run by Santa (probably hustling to get to that next house to kiss more Mommies) and irresponsibility by the entire family.

She’d been drinkin’ too much eggnog and we’d begged her not to go
But she’d left her medication so she stumbled out the door into the snow

Really?!? The family is letting an elderly woman go out on a cold winter’s night on Christmas Eve to walk home to get her medication after she’s been drinking? The song goes on to describe an unremorseful Grandpa, who is playing cards, watching football and drinking beer after his wife was found the next morning murdered by Santa. I wonder if WDOK is still playing this song!!

Do You Hear What I Hear – this holiday standard openly pokes fun at the elderly, who rarely can hear what everyone else hears – so they make a song about it?!

Christmas Don’t Be Late by the Chipmunks tries to be a song for little children, but the constant screaming at and berating of Alvin (Who is clearly ADD), and the lack of diversity amongst the chipmunk (they are all the same color) clearly sends the wrong message to our youth.

And speaking of diversity, I’m assuming I don’t need to elaborate on the political incorrectness of the lyric I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas. And God forbid when we get to the bottom of what Fa La La La La and Rum Pa Pum Pum really mean; I’ll think we’ll have another couple of songs on the ‘Do Not Play’ list.

The Twelve Days of Christmas is certainly a song for and about the privileged. While many families struggle to make ends meet during the holidays, this song describes numerous, insidious gifts lavished on a ‘true love’. It’s been estimated that to give someone the gifts mentioned in this song would cost over $35,000.   By itself nine ladies dancing is about $7,500, if they are lap dances, much more!

Also be ready for the changing of the title of Frosty the Snowman to Frosty the Snowperson

Please understand that this is just the beginning; we have yet to examine those ‘foreign’ Christmas songs like Adeste Fideles, Feliz Navidad and Mele Kalikimaka; I’m fairly certain that a politically correct translation of these songs will reveal their inappropriateness as well.

 

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Is Santa Claus Coming To Town?

If you haven’t read my sister’s post from Tuesday, you should; it captures the spirit of the season.  This post is more reflective of someone who’s been drinking the spirits of the season.  But the humor is a gift, as Suzanne mentioned, from our father, who always had a twinkle in his eye and something good to say about everyone.

By Bob Sparrow

The following questions about Christmas carols came into our mail bag this week and I thought I should share some of our answers with our readers.

Will I have a White Christmas?  No, it’s now politically incorrect to have a Christmas of white, black, brown, yellow, red or any other color attributed to human flesh.

Who wrote:

     Let It Snow, Let It Snow, Let It Snow – Sammy Cahn wrote it as he boarded a plane in New York headed for Palm Springs.

     All I Want for Christmas is My Two Front Teeth – The first goalie for the New York Rangers

Did Santa really kiss mommy under the mistletoe last night?  Apparently there’s been something going on between Mommy and Santa for some time; do you wonder why at 9 years old you are over-weight and have a white beard?

What’s the meaning of Fa La La La La La La La La in Deck the Halls?  There’s an interesting history to this song, the Halls and their neighbors, the Kragmeyers were like the Hatfields and McCoys, always fighting.  The Kragmeyers actually created a disparaging song about the Halls that was filled with profanity; they sang it every Christmas with the intent of decking the Halls in a fight.  The music was so beautiful the song endured, but the ‘Fa La La’s’ were substituted for the original lyrics that would make a sailor blush.  That should put a smile on your face the next time you sing it.

How’s Grandma?  After being run over by reindeer several years back, she’s now up and around and feeling a little better since winning the reckless driving suit against Santa that paid her $3.4 million plus attorney’s fees.  She now resides in Palm Beach, Florida.

Did all the other reindeer really laugh and call Rudolph names until one foggy Christmas eve when he guided Santa’s sleigh with his bright red nose?  Really?

In the song, I’ll Be Home for Christmas, what do the lyrics ‘Christmas eve will find me where the love light gleams’ mean?   The reality is, it’s hardly a comforting song; the man singing it is in New Orleans at a business convention and away from his wife on Christmas eve, so tells her not to worry he’ll be in the red light district, where the ‘love light’ gleams, while she’s at home trying to explain to the kids exactly why daddy’s not home for Christmas.

Say, what was all the laughing about on that one-horse open sleigh?  The sleigh riders had actually stolen the sleigh and were having a hardy prankster’s laugh.  The truth is, however, they didn’t laugh all the way, the horse developed gas about midway through the trip and in an open sleigh that’s no laughing matter.

 What exactly where the 10 Lords-a-Leaping leaping about?  Have you seen how tight their leotards are?  They’re like a cheap hotel, no ballroom.  As long as that song is, you’d be leaping too if you had to wear tights through the whole thing.

Does Santa really have a list?  No, this veiled threat evolved from a misinterpretation of the original song; the actual lyrics made reference to Santa’s speech impediment saying, ‘He’s making a lisp’.

Is Santa Claus coming to town?  No, if you’d read my sister’s piece on this blog earlier in the week, you’d know that Santa never left town.

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Have a great holiday season and a healthy and happy 2012