By Suzanne Sparrow Watson
It’s the time of year that finds many of you in the throes of holiday shopping. That is, if you can find anything on the shelves. I bought some Christmas cards for the family the other day and noticed that there were a lot more “slip the money in the slot” cards this year. Money always fits and never has to be returned, but it’s not much fun to open. So, for those of you who like to actually give a gift, we offer the 2021 edition of our Useless Christmas Gift Guide.
It seems that everyone is on a health kick these days, trying to take off the extra pounds packed on during COVID. We offer Kale Candy Canes as a gift that won’t be forgotten. It’s a genuine two-fer: a candy and a vegetable! That said, I wouldn’t recommend giving these to your grandchildren, lest you be forever branded as the grandparent that gives really lousy candy.
If you are living with someone who has put on the aforementioned extra weight, we strongly recommend that you not make mention of it. But if you are foolish enough to do so, we suggest you stock up on bandages for the resulting scrapes and bruises. What could be better than Bacon Bandages? The problems may set in when you have to explain why you are wearing bacon, but hey, you got yourself into this mess so you can get yourself out.
A lot of people discover new ailments, many of them imagined after watching infomercials on TV. If you are living with a hypochondriac, we have found just the right stocking stuffer – the hypochondriac 50 Things That Might Kill You deck of cards. The recipient simple shuffles the deck, chooses a card, and then complains of that ailment for the rest of the day.
Of course, if you’re of a certain age, you can blame everything on your bad memory. But blaming memory issues on someone else calls for a deft hand. After all, you don’t want to insult them by mentioning their seeming incoherence, especially during the holidays. So much like you might offer a breath mint to someone who just ate tzatziki sauce, we suggest you offer them Memory Mints. These are extra-strength, which comes in handy if you’re hosting your in-laws and have heard the same story 50 times. These mints could save your marriage.
We’ve all seen the news lately where gangs of thieves are bursting into stores to rob them. As you are out doing your holiday shopping it pays to be on alert and to protect yourself as best you can. To ensure your safety we suggest the Switchblade Spork. It will come in handy as you celebrate a holiday meal but can instantly transform into a deadly weapon. Sort of. No guarantees.
And who among us hasn’t acted a bit snippy lately? It’s hard to find good news and we’re all tired of pandemic panic. As mentioned in a previous post, there has been a rise in rude behavior, road rage and generally bitchy moods. Speaking with some degree of authority on this, I’m tired of saying, “I’m sorry”. How much easier to deal with an apology if we simply use the Apology form? It covers everything from, “I forgot” to “I’m a schmuck”. There’s even a place to check to indicate whether you will – or will not – ever commit that infraction again. You might want to stock up on these.
Finally, and I hate to beat a dead horse here, but it has been a trying couple of years. Many of us could use a little polish on our social skills. Our final recommendation is a classic: “How to Win Friends and Influence People” by Dale Carnegie. It’s an oldie, but a goodie, and I think should be handed out free at the DMV. Or Starbucks. Anywhere that might get to the greatest amount of people in the shortest amount of time. We are hanging onto civilization by a thread these days.
I hope this list helps make your holiday shopping a bit easier. Or at least provided a laugh. Next time: Pop’s famous Christmas Ice Cream Fizz recipe!