by Bob Sparrow
“The great mass of people will more easily fall victim to a big lie than to a small one.”
Adolf Hitler, Mein Kampf
The recent fiasco surrounding Manti Te’o’s non-existent girlfriend (photo at left shows her in the shower) and things like the 11 million views on YouTube showing how the federal government and the Screen Actors Guild conspired to create the ‘Sandy Hook Hoax’, have me convinced that our culture will not let the facts stand in the way of a good conspiracy theory. Not that people haven’t been lied to by their government, or the Screen Actors Guild for that matter, but as a public service I’d like to put forth the real truth about some of our most popular conspiracies.
If you think that there is a possibility that Michael and Janet Jackson were actually the same person or that the ‘grassy knoll’ was never really examined as thoroughly as it could have been, then you need to read on.
Conspiracy: global warming is a real threat
Supported by: Al Gore, who told us so
Anti-Conspiracy: Global warming is a hoax perpetrated by Carrier, the air conditioning people and a few awning and umbrella companies.
The Truth: My anecdotal findings are that the globe seems to be warmer in the summer, so I lean toward the global warming theory, but it seems to cool down in the winter, so I can’t be sure. I’m going to read Al Gore’s book, An Inconvenient Truth – it’s on the Internet, which he invented.
Conspiracy: Paul McCartney walking barefoot on the Abby Road album cover proves that he was actually dead.
Supported by: Those who had high-tech record players back in the day that could play Beatles records backwards and hear Paul actually say that he was dead at the time.
Anti-Conspiracy: Paul was late for the album photo shoot and forgot to put on his shoes. What amazingly has gone unnoticed over the years is that Ringo is not wearing any underwear in the photo – he is not dead either.
The Truth: Paul is alive and actually came closer to death when a judge told him he had to pay Heather Mill $235 million in his divorce settlement.
Conspiracy: Elvis faked his death
Supported by: Elvis weighed approximately 275 pounds at the time of his ‘supposed’ death, yet the casket ‘they’ say he was buried in weighed only 210 pounds.
Anti-Conspiracy: The king didn’t fake his death, but actually died three days later after finishing second in a chili dog eating contest at the Dunes Hotel in Las Vegas.
The Truth: Elvis’ death has never been certified and rumors fly around this time of year when an elderly duet that looks an awful lot like an aging, 65 pound lighter Elvis and Jimmy Hoffa, appear for their dinner show in Sun City, Las Vegas.
Conspiracy: Shakespeare didn’t write his plays
Supported by: All those who claim to have written them
Anti-Conspiracy: Shakespeare actually wrote the plays, but in a hurry to get to the airport one morning, left them at a table at Starbuck’s where they were ultimately picked up by Francis Bacon, Christopher Marlowe and Woody Allen.
The Truth: Who cares?
Conspiracy: We never landed on the moon
Supported by: A ‘moon set’ was found inside an old cheese warehouse in the New Mexico desert; they also found a man in the warehouse with a large, round, glowing, orange face.
Anti-Conspiracy: No New Mexico license plates were found on the lunar lander.
The Truth: We of course landed on the moon and ended up bringing back some aliens and weather balloons and accidentally left them just outside a warehouse in Roswell, New Mexico.
I may be a little confused about that moon landing thing, but hopefully I’ve cleared up a lot of conspiracies for you theorists out there; although things like, ‘Is wedding cake really a birth control method?’ still remains a mystery to us.
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