Category Archives: News

Posted in News • opinion

WHAT A COUNTRY!

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Headlines:  Only in America.

On Thursday Oscar Ramiro Ortega was arrested on the spot,

For driving to the White House to take a well-aimed shot.

The details of the incident show just how diverse we are:

A Latin shooter wields a Romanian gun and drives a Japanese car.

Money:  Honey, I think we need a bigger outlet.

Lincoln still is clueless with their MDX make over,

It’s gets 19 MPG every time you turn it over.

 And AAA announced today that gas prices will give us no relief,

No wonder 20,000 people have reserved themselves a “Leaf”.

Sports:  He didn’t bring his “A” game.

Golf was big this week with the start of the President’s Cup,

But Tiger’s game was absent and he and Stricker just blew up.

Steve Williams, Tiger’s ex-caddie, must be loving this new win,

But one can only hope he’s learned to keep his private thoughts within.

 

Life:  The good, the bad and the “we totally saw this coming”.

This week Justin Timberlake danced at the Marine Corps Ball,

And it turns out Justin Bieber isn’t a father after all.

Regis is leaving Kelly, but the biggest news of course,

Is that Ashton’s little flings made Demi file for divorce.

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Posted in News

Does Anybody’s Government Work?

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Headlines: It’s Not My Job

President Giorgio Napolitano, told an irate Italian mob

That fixing his own government was not part of his job.

So to keep the masses happy as they tried to go berserk,

He gave the task to Monti to see if he could make it work.

Money: Saturn Permanently In Orbit

Just as General Motors started writing ink that’s black,

In the Saturn gear shift, inspectors found a little crack.

To places you’re not going, you may just have arrived,

‘Cuz when you put the car in Park it might just be in Drive.

Sports: Where Spirit is Still Alive

Does it seem that sports in general has lost that old rah-rah,

With the stand-off in the NBA and the fall of Coach JoPa.

If you’re looking for a contest that doesn’t have such shame,

Stay in your local neighborhood and catch a high school game.

Life: What if Kennedy Hadn’t Been Assassinated?

Stephen King has written a novel called ‘11/22/63’

About that faithful day in Dallas when we lost John Kennedy.

But of course it has a twist, he’s got history reversed;

In his story someone ends up shooting Harvey Oswald first.

 

Only 40 More Shopping Days Until Christmas and You Still Don’t Know

What to Get Aunt Mildred.

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Posted in News • opinion

DUMB ACTS

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Headlines:  Maybe the Alzheimer’s test is in order.

Rick Perry had a stumble at the debate the other night,

His fumbling and his stalling suggest his brain has taken flight.

If you have three things to remember and you can only recall two,

Then perhaps the job of President is not the one for you.

Money:  If it’s Thursday the market must be up.

Who the heck can plan their budget in this age of market swings,

Never knowing from week to week what stock prices will bring.

If it isn’t Greece, it’s Italy or some company’s fallen flat,

We need to have a Ouija board – is there an app for that?

Sports:     No, football is not the most important thing…even in Happy Valley.

JoePa’s out at Penn State after sixty-one years,

Resulting in reactions from rioting to tears.

He was a  great coach in his prime but this should be understood,

He didn’t have the courage to stand up when he should.

Life:  We hear Kim Kardashian is available.

Piers Morgan has decided that he will quit his job,

On the “America’s Got Talent” judging panel mob.

His replacement will no doubt need to agree to certain terms:

Humor Sharon’s ramblings and don’t give Howie any germs.

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Posted in News

Can You Tap Dance in Flip Flops?

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Headlines: I Feel Strongly Both Ways

Romney’s getting bashed for the changing of his stances;

Is he trying to get ready for some presidential dances?

Some who know him best, have heard that he has said,

“When Obama leaves I hope he leaves his flip flops by the bed.”

Money: Greco-Roman Wrestling

Just as we get the Greeks turned around, so to speak,

It seems that the Euro has sprung another leak.

This time it’s the Italians, their future’s not so sunny;

They gotta dough, they gotta bread, but they ain’t gotta no money.

Sports: Defensive Game is Offensive

Last week we were hyping the Tigers and the Tide,

But LSU and Alabama took us for a ride.

The game had not one touchdown, no great runs, no great passes

Disappointing all the couch potatoes sitting on their asses

Life: He Thought He Was Dr. Kevorkian

The jury’s has come back with manslaughter, involuntary

And Dr. Murray’s comments that followed seemed quite scary

“What was it, drips or shots or was it probing with my scanner?

Or was it just you didn’t seem to like my bedside manner?”

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Posted in News

Freddie and the Greeks

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Headlines: No One Wants A Greek In A Position . . . To Fail

In Athens the economy is struggling

As alignment with the Euro they seek.

The rest of Europe’s not happy with the problem,

But no one dares turn their back to a Greek.

 Money: Lots of Money That No One Can Qualify For

We have lowered mortgage rates to a scant four percent,

Said Freddie Mac with its usual smirk.

But what Freddie fails to see is that no one buys homes

When most buyers are still out of work.

Sports: This Weekend: Football, Southern Style

 College football’s lollapalooza

Is this Saturday in old Tuscaloosa;

The Tigers and Tide

Play for #1 pride,

Neither wants to come away as the loser.

Life: I Can See Bill and His Cigarette Holder Now

Bill Murray, the actor of comedic fame,

Has announced that he’s going to star

In a role that seems quite a stretch for the clown;

He’ll be playing the great FDR.

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Posted in News • opinion

IT’S TIME TO SAY GOOD NIGHT

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Headlines:  Hmmmm, what’s the old saying?  Deny, deny, deny. 

It’s been discovered Herman Cain had a sexual harassment charge,

A case that he now claims was settled and discharged.

All we know is when the press rakes a contender over the coals,

It must surely mean that candidate is leading in the polls.

Money:  Want to place money on how many fights there will be? 

Macy’s and Target have announced Black Friday plans,

They’ll be opening up at midnight for all their shopping fans.

We’re not sure that after a meal and drinking, most likely to excess,

Is the time to gather shoppers who are tipsy, crazed and stressed.

Sports:  He did not go to the Bobby Knight school of coaching.

Sadly, the coaching ranks are losing one of  baseball’s best,

Tony LaRussa has decided to fly the Cardinal’s nest.

He’s been a gentleman and classy, a mentor and a sage,

And he’s one of the rare guys that know when to leave the stage.

 

Life:  Who had the over/under at 72 days?

Well,  we’re SHOCKED that Kim Kardashian has filed for divorce,

From her husband of two months who rode in on a white horse.

We think he may have figured out that his quickie vows and mating,

Were done to ensure the season finale would have the highest rating.

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Posted in News • opinion

THE BOOB TUBE

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Headlines:  Keep the kids away from the debates! 

The experts now report that second-hand TV is bad for kids,

Its distractions and diversions can put their learning on the skids.

They say the kids need face time and interactive talk,

Else they’ll end up unable to simultaneously chew gum and  walk.

Money: Can we look forward to the McBratwurst? 

McDonald’s has announced it is bringing back the McRib,

And we have to say it looks tasty – about that we cannot fib.

In Germany they offer it year ‘round, but not here in the U.S.,

Their marketers know what we cannot have will cause us to obsess.

Sports:  Why don’t we throw in a car and a house while we’re at it? 

We think the NCAA has finally lost its grip,

They want to pay $2000 more on each athletic scholarship.

That’s in addition to tuition, books, board and all their fees,

How about they start requiring that more athletes earn degrees?

Life:  Newsflash:  Stupid is “in” again. 

As if there isn’t enough crap jamming the air waves,

Beavis and Butthead are coming back with their antics and their raves.

They’ve been gone for 14 years but here’s the real shock,

This time ‘round they aren’t the stupidest TV program on the block.

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Posted in News

I’m From The Government And I’m Here To Help

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Headlines: Romney Practices Presidential Double-Speak

Did Romney hire illegal help to care for his lawn and yard?

He said in the debates this week that to know was really hard.

He bobbed and weaved so deftly, we didn’t know what he meant;

It looks like he is well-equipped to be our next president.

 

Money:  The One Step Forward, Two Steps Back Government Waltz

Social Security benefits, for the first time in three years

Will increase by 3.9 percent; we could hear the senior cheers.

But before they spend that money, there something they should know;

Their medical expenses will increase by four-point-oh.

 

Sports: It’s A Small World After All

It’s the start of the ‘Fall Classic’ when the rest of the world we snub;

With the exception of Toronto, which we’ve let into our club;

 Other countries that play baseball must surely feel quite slighted;

As we call it the World Series, but no other countries are invited.

 

Life: Believe Him Or Not 

Sometimes the weather’s sunny, sometimes a huge downpour,

But this week, climate guru and former veep Al Gore

Has warned us of our failings, global warming he lamented

In a story on the Internet, which he’ll tell you he invented.

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Posted in News • opinion

EVERYBODY HAS A BONE TO PICK

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Headlines:  Some of these people can’t tell Groucho from Karl. 

The Occupy Wall Street group continues to rant and wail,

Pointing out that it’s just wrong to have a firm “too big to fail”.

But amongst the valid points and the demonstrating mood,

It would appear that some are there just to pick up the free food.

Money:  It’s nice to know that the same lame excuses are bi-lingual.

The Chinese head of Wal-Mart has announced he’ll leave his post,

“To spend time with his family” is what he tried to boast.

But we’ve been around the block and we recognize chagrin,

It seems our best export to China is the ability to spin.

Sports:  We can’t wait for the rematch.

The Series has been set and now we know which teams to cheer,

And in college the BCS released its first standings of the year.

But the coaches stole the story in the 49er’s and Lion’s fight,

And it’s kinda hard to decide whether Harbaugh or Schwartz was right.

Life:  Perhaps Bjork was his inspiration? 

Amidst Clooney’s new flick and “The Walking Dead” premiere,

This weekend brought us news that caused both dread and fear.

Stephen Tyler, that hot mess, will now sell clothes for the rich and hip,

We’re thinking the only thing worse is if he made liner for our lips.

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Posted in News

If We Have Checks Don’t We Still Have Money?

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Headlines: Has anyone in government taken Econ 101?

Not Wall Street or Obama’s cabinet has figured out a plan;

It seems it’s basic economics, they just don’t understand.

The problem’s we’re not bringing in as much as we have spent

As those who paid NO taxes went to 47 percent!

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Money: Could Motown be Notown?

“Imported from Detroit” is what Chrysler says for show,

But it seems that just like Ford, their cars are made in Mexico.

Will we see the day the industry just up and disappears,

When cars are coming from abroad and nothing is made here?

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Sports: Slam Dunk Turns into Lame Duck

Close the basketball areas and the NBA pavilions,

The players and the owners are still fighting for their millions.

If they cancelled the whole season, all the fans would be just fine,

‘Cuz we’ll see those greedy players in the unemployment line.

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Life: Swift Assent

This year’s ‘Woman of the Year’ by Billboard magazine,

Is both a pop star diva and successful country queen.

She writes all of her music and sings it just for fun;

She’s Grammy winner Taylor Swift, and she’s just 21.

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