CELEBRATE 2020 – EAT GRAPES, POUR LEAD, DROP A POTATO!

By Suzanne Sparrow Watson

Well, here we are again, ready to ring out the old and ring in the new.  Personally, I’ll be glad to ring out the old since it did such a good job of ringing me out this year.  But hope springs eternal for 2020.  There is something inherently optimistic about a new year.  This year we also get the double whammy of anticipating a new decade.  To get us in the mood for New Year’s Eve I researched some of the more unique ways people celebrate the new year around the world.  Trust me, after reading about some of the customs you’re going to feel a whole lot better about your stale bottle of champagne and Cheetos.

The 12 Grapes of Luck – In Spain and some Latin American countries, one New Year’s tradition is to eat 12 grapes, one for each month of the coming year, to secure prosperity. Here’s the challenge: you need to eat one grape with each bell strike at midnight. I think this would be a whole lot easier if we could drink our grapes in a nice Chardonnay.  The likelihood of me choking on a grape is quite high with this one.

Pouring Lead – Who doesn’t want to know what the next year might bring? In Germany, people melt small pieces of lead in a spoon over a candle, then pour the liquid into cold water. The bizarre shapes from the lead pouring (or Bleigießen as it’s known) are supposed to reveal what the year ahead will bring. If the lead forms a ball, luck will roll one’s way, while the shape of a crown means wealth; a cross signifies death and a star will bring happiness.  It kind of puts a whole new spin on “get the lead out”.

Scarecrow Burning – In Ecuador, people build scarecrow-like dolls of politicians, pop stars, or other notable figures to set them alight. Burning the año viejo (old year) is meant to destroy all the bad things from the last year and cleanse for the new.  You can see the potential here, right?  Is it possible to build a scarecrow that exactly replicates Washington DC?

Round Food, Round Clothes, Round Everything – In the Philippines, the start of the new year is all about the money. The locals believe that surrounding themselves with round things (to represent coins) will bring money or fortune. As a result, clothes with polka dots are worn and round food is eaten. I think this one is right in my wheelhouse.  After all, cake and cookies are both round.  By this measure I should be Bill Gates by now.

Tossing Furniture – “Out with the old” is the motto in Naples, where people toss everything from toasters to fridges off their balconies. Getting rid of old possessions symbolizes a fresh start in the new year. To prevent serious injuries, most locals stick to small and soft objects for their throwing tradition, though it’s still a good idea to watch your head should you travel there.  Nothing like being hit on the head by a refrigerator to put a cramp in your Italian vacation.

Animal Spirits – Rural Romania is steeped in tradition. New Year’s Eve celebrations include mask dances and ceremonies about death and rebirth. Dancers dress up in furs and wooden masks depicting goats, horses, or bears, then dance from house to house to ward off evil spirits. The dance of the bear is the most popular. According to pre-Christian folklore, if a bear enters somebody’s house, it brings prosperity, health, and good fortune.  Yeah, tell that to all the people at Tahoe who have “entertained” bears in their house.

The Potato Drop – With less tradition but more high-tech, the people of downtown Boise will welcome the new year by dropping a giant spud from the sky. More than 40,000 spectators turn up to see the internally lit, 400-pound “GlowTato.” Frankly, my husband and I love Boise and have been visiting there for more than 30 years.  Lately it has been overrun by Californians escaping the taxes and high housing prices and it has changed dramatically.  I think the Potato Drop is a “jumping the shark” moment for this formerly low-key town.

Personally, I’ll be sitting in front of a fire eating a great dinner and watching the Utah Utes beat the Texas Longhorns in the Alamo Bowl.  It may not be exciting but it beats getting hit on the head with a Barcalounger.

Bob and I would like to wish all of our subscribers and readers a very happy and healthy 2020.

 

Christmas – All Quiet on the Western Front . . . for a Day

by Bob Sparrow

In the last three weeks we’ve given you a) some crazy gift ideas, b) some little-known and less care about Christmas’s in other parts of the world and, perhaps most important of all, we’ve given you c) the recipe to Dad’s Christmas Ice Cream Fizz.  Yet, Christmas isn’t here yet, so this week there’s more Christmas stuff that could possibly help get you into the Christmas ‘spirits’.

The Pooper

We’ll start with what I have found to be the  most ridiculous way that Christmas is celebrated. The Catalonia region of Spain (around Barcelona) is known for its somewhat unorthodox wooden toys and statuettes. El Caganer (which would roughly translate as The Pooper) is one of them. A mysterious figure that insists on pooping wherever he’s placed; this dwarfish, leering figure is part of any Christmas stall or arrangement of figurines. He’s even placed in Nativity Scenes. – and they blamed that smell on the cattle in the manger!

Getting a fruitcake this Christmas?  As it turns out, the rumor that there is only one fruitcake in the world and it just keeps getting passed around, is true.  It’s fairly common knowledge that hardly anyone actually enjoys eating this holiday loaf, but because of its great significance in the All American Christmas, each year many hosts are forced to smile falsely and pretend to be elated at receiving this baked good that can crack a kitchen counter top.  This cake, containing all kinds of fruits and nuts, is derived from the British “Christmas Cake” but has roots in Roman times. Perhaps that Roman fruitcake is the one that is still circulating.

There are all kinds of Christmas traditions and stories from all around the world, but the one that is most sensational and heart-warming to me, is the one that took place in Belgium during WWI – the ‘Christmas truce’.

Meeting in ‘No Man’s Land’

On December 24, 1914 it began when German troops began to light candles and sing Christmas carols and the British soldiers would either join in from their own trenches or start singing their own carols.  Then, certainly without permission from high command, a German messenger walked across ‘No Man’s Land’ to broker a temporary cease-fire agreement.  Soon troops from both sides walked bravely onto ‘No Man’s Land’ and met, talked and exchanged food, souvenirs and cigarettes with one another.  They even played a game of football (soccer) which the Germans won 2-0.  It should be noted that the British got revenge when the Germans lost the war.  The British also won the ‘rubber match’ when Germany was defeated in WWII.

While this event was the first of its kind and certainly the most publicized, nearly 100,000 British and German troops participated in a ‘Christmas truce’ that year all along the Western Front.  In fact, there are similar stories of this same thing happening on the Eastern Front.  As expected, the commanders from both sides were not happy with this fraternization and soon put an end to ‘peace on earth, good will towards men’.

It is so sad that the great message in this story seems to have been lost in history.

The entire staff here at ‘From A Bird’s Eye View’ (OK, just Suzanne and me) hope you and your family have a wonderful holiday season and a happy and healthy new year.

JOY TO THE WORLD (WITH A SPLASH OF GIN)

By Suzanne Sparrow Watson

        A jolly man indeed

 

Christmas is a lot like golf.  We have visions of greatness and perfection but the reality is often closer to a bogey.  Some years maybe even a double bogey.  As we get older the holiday season can be more difficult, remembering those who are no longer with us or who we no longer see.  I think many people become sentimental about Christmases past when life seemed simpler. Personally, when I’m in the midst of the Christmas fray I long for the Christmases of my childhood when all I had to do is show up. No shopping, wrapping, cooking, cleaning – just act excited about the gifts under the tree.  I say “act” because there were a lot of years when I found my gifts in my mother’s not-so-secret hiding place and knew exactly what I was getting.  Mostly what I miss are the fun family gatherings, laughing and enjoying each other’s company.  There are people who are lucky enough to live close to their families, thus avoiding the packing and mailing of gifts and – worse yet – traveling to see loved ones, but they are becoming fewer and farther to find.  I hardly know anyone anymore who doesn’t deal with some sort of hassle or drama around the holidays.

Which is why this is a good time to reflect on those things in which we can take joy and perhaps be a bit kinder to one another.  It’s often said that we never know what problems people have from looking at the outside.  I’m sure we’ve all known people who appear to “have everything” and yet in reality have significant problems.  And that includes the person who cuts in line at the supermarket or honks their horn in traffic.  Maybe they’re just jerks.  Or maybe the holiday season is particularly difficult for them – the loss of a loved one, illness, a lost job – seem magnified right now.  Throw in all that’s going on in the world, and life can become a bit overwhelming. Which is why a little kindness can go a long way in making someone’s day just a bit better.

In my effort to be a bit more kind I don’t have to look far for an example.  Our dad was the kindest man I’ve ever known.  Coupled with his hysterical sense of humor, he was a force to be reckoned with.  He was in his element at Christmas, with his children gathered around him and hosting friends and family.  I miss him all year long but most especially this season.  So in his memory, I once again provide you with his famous Christmas Ice Cream Fizz recipe.  He served it every Christmas morning and it gave a roseate hue to the entire day. We share his recipe in the hopes that it might help you all enjoy the holidays just a bit more.  After all, ice cream and gin – how kind is that?

POP’S CHRISTMAS ICE CREAM FIZZ

Fill a blender 1/4 full with ice cubes
Add 6 jiggers of gin
Add 4 scoops of French Vanilla ice cream
Add 1 small bottle of soda water (the size you get in a 6-pack)

My brother Bob adds an egg so the white adds some froth, brother Jack doesn’t add an egg. Personally, I’d add it just because you can then claim it’s a protein drink.
Just blend it well and – voila – you have a concoction sure to put a positive spin on everyone and every thing!
Our mom served them in a wine glass with a dash of nutmeg. As we got older we conspired with Pop and ditched the wine glass for a chilled beer mug from the freezer. Saved having to go back for seconds…or thirds.

Wishing all of our subscribers a very happy holiday season! Cheers!

Rudolph’s Medical Issue, A KFC Xmas and Other Holiday Curiosities

by Bob Sparrow

Santa’s High-Tech Sleigh

Now that you’ve been given those great gift ideas from Suzanne’s blog last week, I thought I’d continue that December Christmas theme with some little-known and less-cared about Christmas facts.

I really shouldn’t have even put my name on this one, since my search of the topic this week sent me to Roger Highfield’s book, The Physics of Christmas: From the Aerodynamics of Reindeer to the Thermodynamics of Turkeyas well as humorous comments on the book, from Amsterdam marketer, Alexandra Libina.  Highfield’s book raises questions that I’m sure you’ve all pondered; such as, Can Reindeer Fly? Why is Santa Fat?  Why is Rudolph’s Nose Red? How Does Santa Manage to Deliver Presents to an Estimated 842 Million Households in a Single Night?  If you’ve struggled with some of these conundrums, here finally are some answers . . .

  • Is Santa pretty much the same all over the world?  No, in Holland, Sinterklass (the Dutch version of Santa Claus) arrives from Spain, not the North Pole, and his helpers are not adorable hard-working elves, but rather (now politically-incorrect) black-faced boys and girls who can steal your kids if they misbehave and bring them back to Spain, which according to the Dutch is a severe punishment. Travel tip: Don’t take your kids to Holland for Christmas.

 

  • How does Santa deliver all those toys all over the world in one night?  The number of children and households in the world would indicate that Santa would have to make 842 million stops on Christmas Eve, traveling some 221 million miles.  Given the different time zones, Santa has 36 hours to deliver all the gifts and thus would have to average a speed of approximately 650 miles

    Santa relaxing after a time-warp Christmas Eve

    second.  It is less than the speed of light, therefore theoretically possible, but extremely difficult, particularly for a chubby old man.  So how does he do it?  He ‘stretches time’ like a rubber band, which actually gives him months to deliver gifts while only a few minutes pass for the rest of us.  Just believe!

 

  •   What’s the the most popular time for couples to break up?  Couples are more likely to end their relationship two weeks before Christmas and two weeks after Valentine’s day, during the spring break. Christmas Day, however, is the least favorite day for breakups.  So if you can make it through this week, you should be good . . . at least until after Valentine’s Day.

 

  • Haven’t you always wondered what the Japanese eat for Christmas dinner?  Probably not, because the percentage of Christian people in Japan is close to zero, but due to a post-WW II ad campaign every Christmas, kids and grown-ups head to the closest KFC to enjoy some fried chicken – the closest food to turkey that you can get in Japan.  Chopsticks lickin’ good!

 

  • Is it sacrilegious to substitute an ‘X’ for Christ when writing Xmas?  No, it does not take the “Christ” out of Christmas, no one is taking “Christ” anywhere. In the Greek alphabet, the letter X (“chi”) is the first letter of the Greek word for Christ.  Yeah, it’s all Greek to me too.

 

  • Why is Rudolph’s nose red? The original Rudolph did not have a red nose, as red noses were seen

    Female or Castrated? (the deer not Santa!)

    as an indicator of chronic alcoholism and no one wanted him to look like a drunkard.   Quite simply his red nose is a result of a parasitic infection of his respiratory system.  Another seldom-known fact is that Rudolph’s original name was Reginald.

  • Is there a gender issue with the Santa’s reindeer?  Possibly, since most of the reindeer names are masculine and it is a known fact that male reindeer shed their antlers in the winter, so Santa’s team is either made up of all females or castrated males.  There’s a cheery Christmas thought.

 

  • How did Christmas cards help our POWs? Bicycle, the U.S. playing card company, manufactured cards to give all the POWS in Germany during World War II as Christmas presents. These cards, when soaked in water, revealed an escape route for POWs. Colonel Klink and the rest of the Nazi never knew.

 

OUR ANNUAL USELESS GIFT GIVING GUIDE

By Suzanne Sparrow Watson

Well, here we are…it’s Christmas shopping season again.  This year the panic over what to buy those you love (or simply tolerate) is compounded by the fact that it’s a short shopping season.  Compared to last year, there are six fewer days to find the perfect gift.  Or any gift.  Which means that we here at From A Bird’s Eye View are here to help with our annual Useless Gift giving guide.

First on the docket is something that is just the thing for your next dinner party – Red Solo Cup Wine Glasses.  Sometimes it’s hard to find the right balance between formal and “we’re glad you wore a shirt at the table” casualness.  For those who can’t quite decide whether to break out Grandma’s crystal or stick with a backyard BBQ theme this is the perfect solution.  They are also known as Redneck Wine Glasses.  They hit the right note between fine dining and ripping open a bag of salad.

The next find is simply genius – Snittens – The Original Snot Mittens.  How many times have you been skiing when your nose begins to drip like a faucet?  There’s a reason the ski resorts have Kleenex boxes everywhere.  No one wants to see frozen snot.  Enter Snittens – mittens that are specifically designed to keep your nose dry.  In fact, they advertise that the mitten absorbs 28x its weight in snot and tears.  The palm side is designed for tears, while the backside mops up snot.  It was 37 degrees this morning when we took Dash the Wonder Dog out for a walk and believe me, I could have used some Snittens.

Next is a gift for the man who is embarrassed by his physique.  Maybe he’s been working out at the gym this year and is a little wary of meeting up with the rest of the family of flabby butts.  The solution?  The Dad Bod Belt.  All he needs to do is slip this on, maybe get a Redneck Wine Glass, and he’ll fit right in with the rest of the family.

 

The next gift is perfect for the animal lover on your list.  Maybe not your average cat or dog person, but instead someone who has chickens.  The Chicken Harness is a solution to … well, I don’t know what, but imagine the poor chicken owner looking longingly at his or her neighbors who can take their dog for a walk.  Now with this invention they can join in the fun at the dog park.  The manufacturer claims that it is easy to take on and off (I would hope so because no one likes to tussle with a chicken), washable (again, self-explanatory) and a conversation starter.  I would think so.

I am a klutz.  I am constantly bumping into walls and dropping things on my feet.  I’m not hinting or anything but the Bubble Wrap suit is right up my alley.  Made from real bubble wrap and fastened with Velcro, it is easy to slip on and off and protects you from injury and general clumsiness.  It has the added attraction of providing entertainment for those people who find it fascinating to pop bubble wrap.  Of course, that defeats its protective qualities but could keep a grandchild entertained for hours.

Finally, speaking of grandchildren, for those of us who have little boys in the family there is seemingly nothing more hilarious than when Grandpa teaches them the old “pull my finger” trick.  Well now that sentiment can be part of your cherished holiday celebration with the Pull My Finger Santa.  I’m tempted to say that this will keep the grandkids in stitches but frankly, and speaking from some experience, I think Grandpa is the one who finds it so side-splitting.  Whatever.  If people are laughing at family celebrations the source doesn’t really matter.

I hope this practical guide to the impractical lessens your holiday shopping stress.  We strive to be helpful.

 

 

 

$uper Bowl $unday

by Bob Sparrow

     There is no sporting event in America that is more hyped than the hyperbole-named Super Bowl. ‘Super’ is an adjective that describes something extraordinary, but this year’s game, with a total of one touchdown, wasn’t  so super; and maybe all that surrounded it wasn’t either, but at least all that surrounds it is excessive.

Show Me the Ads

Those who may not know one end of the football from the other (don’t be fooled, they’re both the same) will pay most attention when the game stops and the advertisements begin. The ads are typically interesting and creative, and well they should be since they now cost over $5 million for a 30-second spot – a price that has nearly doubled in the last 10 years. So now viewers get up and go to the bathroom when it’s 3rd and 1 and stay put during the time outs when the commercials run. You might ask yourself, what are those companies that spend that kind of money thinking? Here’s what. Last year 111 million people watched the Super Bowl, as compared to the second most-watched event on television, the Oscars, which had a paltry 33 million. In advertising, sometimes it’s not just to get someone to buy your product, but to show the world that you are big and strong and can afford $5mm for a 30-second ad, so they trust your company.  But probably the most compelling reason is that those 111 million people are all watching the game ‘live’, not on a recording where they can zip through the commercials; additionally the reputation of the ads has grown such that people can’t wait to see what creative thing advertisers have come up with. But does it increase sales? In certain circumstances, but mostly companies do it because they can, and they want people to know that they are a strong enough company that they can piss away $5,000,000 in 30 seconds.

Show Me the Bets

Want to make that $5mm seem like chump change?  Take a guess at how much is wagered on the Super Bowl this year. The total won’t be finalized until after the game, but last year the American Gaming Association, a casino lobbying group, estimated that Americans bet a grand total of $4.76 billion. Yes, that’s billion with a ‘B’!  About 50% of that is bet on the outcome of the game and the other 50% on ‘prop bets’ or proposition bets. Here’s a small sampling of some ‘prop bets’ that YOU could have bet on.

– How long will it take Gladys Knight to sing the National Anthem

– Will any player kneel during the Anthem

– Will the opening coin toss be a head or a tail

– Will the referee get the first replay call correct

– Will Tom Brady be seen cursing during the live broadcast

– If there is a streaker, who will tackle him first – security, player, coach, other

– Color of liquid dumped on winning coach

– What will the S&P 500 close at on Monday if the Rams win? If the Patriots win?

Trust me, there’s a bet for every bettor.

Show Me the Money

But what about the poor players, you say, who can’t bet on the game? Well, they’ll be just fine thank you – every member of the Patriots, including backup quarterback, Brian Hoyer, who didn’t even step onto the field, gets $112,000 for their days work on Sunday. Each Rams player gets $56,000. Those numbers are the same for the coaches of each team as well. Oh yeah, the Patriots also gets a ring worth about $40,000.

It is not disclosed how much referees make for any one game, but they have an average annual salary, for working one day a week, of $205,000; although the ref that made the ‘no call’ in the Rams-Saints game will probably be getting unemployment insurance money instead next season.

Yes, I could have put in a photo of a ref or a waterboy, but they don’t do ‘special corporate appearances’

NFL waterboys make an average of $53,000 per year; they squirt water in the player’s mouths and hang on to their sweaty towels, but they do get a pretty good sideline view of every game. And what about the Cheerleaders? The Internet says, “Cheerleaders earn somewhere between $75 to $150 per game and might make as much as $50 an hour for special corporate appearances”. So that’s what they’re calling it now, ‘special corporate appearances’.

Guys, sorry to say that the season is over, it’s time to get your butts off the couch and get out and earn some of that money you blew on those stupid ‘squares’ at your Super Bowl party.

NEW YEAR’S REVOLUTIONS

By Suzanne Sparrow Watson

 

I’ve never kept a New Year’s resolution.  I don’t think I’m alone in that confession.  In fact, according to the Huffington Post, only 8% of people keep them.  I was kind of Ditch_New_Years_Resolutions_Daysurprised to learn it was that high.  Who ARE those people?  Probably the same ones who have their taxes filed by February 1 and the Christmas cards done in August.  So, being the sloth that I am, I went in search of resolutions made by people who, like me, have absolutely no intention of losing weight, exercising more or improving my vocabulary.  Luckily, there are a lot of us out there and I found some rather amusing one’s to share with you this last day of 2018:

 

I want to lose just enough weight so that my stomach doesn’t jiggle when I brush my teeth.

I can’t believe it’s been a whole year since I didn’t become a better person.

I need to start eating more healthy, but first I need to eat all the junk food in the house so it’s not there to tempt me anymore.

I don’t call them New Year’s resolutions.  I prefer the term, “Casual promises to myself that I’m under no legal obligation to fulfill”.

My resolution is to stop kidding myself about lifestyle changes.  Nobody likes a cheap, skinny, sober bitch anyway.

Never again will I take sleeping pills and laxatives on the same night.

I’m going to fake my own death, move to Mexico and live off tacos and tequila.

And from a kindergartner:  I’m going to stop picking my nose.  It’s going to be hard.

I’m only making one resolution this year:  I will indulge when the moods strikes.  Not much of a stretch, I admit, but I’m taking inspiration from a friend.  She posted a photo on Facebook last summer of her husband in a 50’s-style diner, grinning like a 10 year-old as he was served a huge chocolate milkshake, with a sidecar to boot.  Tragically, he died unexpectedly last week.  I thought about that photo – he was so excited to indulge, with nary a thought about cholesterol or calories.  Somehow it made me happy to know that he’d had such a satisfying, guiltless moment.  We should all be so lucky.

So, this year, I wish you and your family much happiness and good health…and many chocolate milkshakes!

Ban on Christmas Carols to Come

After call ins from listeners of Cleveland radio station WDOK, the song, Baby It’s Cold Outside, was banned because according to them, “the song’s lyrics hadn’t aged well amid the #MeToo movement.” However, following the ban, national newspaper, USA Today had an article by a self-describes liberal feminist who thinks the song is actually empowering to females. While I understand the spirit in which the song was banned, I’m concerned that our focus on political correctness once again has gone too far. But I know it’s not going to stop, so here is some foreshadowing of banned Christmas carols to come.

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer

All of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names

They never let poor Rudolph play in any reindeer games

While it must take a better imagination than mine to fathom ‘reindeer games’, this is clearly an example of bullying by Donner, Blitzen and the other shiftless reindeer who were planning to strike on Christmas Eve due to fog.  It’s not until a practical use for Rudolph’s shiny proboscis is found that he’s finally accepted. You won’t be hearing this song for too much longer.

And what about I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus? Ostensibly this is a song from a small child’s perspective who sneaks down on Christmas Eve to see if he can catch a glimpse of Santa.  He gets more than a glimpse; he sees his mother kissing and tickling Santa  as she is clearly coming on to him. In the song the small lad questions whether he should tell his father. What a position to put a young child in. And what opinion does this child take away about Santa Claus? Is he doing this in every house with other Mommies? Is it really better to be naughty than nice?  Don’t plan on hearing much of this song in the future.

Gramma Got Run Over By A Reindeer is a classic case of a homicidal hit-and-run by Santa (probably hustling to get to that next house to kiss more Mommies) and irresponsibility by the entire family.

She’d been drinkin’ too much eggnog and we’d begged her not to go
But she’d left her medication so she stumbled out the door into the snow

Really?!? The family is letting an elderly woman go out on a cold winter’s night on Christmas Eve to walk home to get her medication after she’s been drinking? The song goes on to describe an unremorseful Grandpa, who is playing cards, watching football and drinking beer after his wife was found the next morning murdered by Santa. I wonder if WDOK is still playing this song!!

Do You Hear What I Hear – this holiday standard openly pokes fun at the elderly, who rarely can hear what everyone else hears – so they make a song about it?!

Christmas Don’t Be Late by the Chipmunks tries to be a song for little children, but the constant screaming at and berating of Alvin (Who is clearly ADD), and the lack of diversity amongst the chipmunk (they are all the same color) clearly sends the wrong message to our youth.

And speaking of diversity, I’m assuming I don’t need to elaborate on the political incorrectness of the lyric I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas. And God forbid when we get to the bottom of what Fa La La La La and Rum Pa Pum Pum really mean; I’ll think we’ll have another couple of songs on the ‘Do Not Play’ list.

The Twelve Days of Christmas is certainly a song for and about the privileged. While many families struggle to make ends meet during the holidays, this song describes numerous, insidious gifts lavished on a ‘true love’. It’s been estimated that to give someone the gifts mentioned in this song would cost over $35,000.   By itself nine ladies dancing is about $7,500, if they are lap dances, much more!

Also be ready for the changing of the title of Frosty the Snowman to Frosty the Snowperson

Please understand that this is just the beginning; we have yet to examine those ‘foreign’ Christmas songs like Adeste Fideles, Feliz Navidad and Mele Kalikimaka; I’m fairly certain that a politically correct translation of these songs will reveal their inappropriateness as well.

 

We Wish You A Merry Christmas

We Wish You A Merry Christmas

We Wish You a Merry Christmas

And please ‘Share’ our blogs!

 

 

Lights Out . . . Christmas!

by Bob Sparrow

I wasn’t really snooping, but as I went out into the garage to pull down the boxes with all my outside Christmas decorations in them and I heard voices. I stopped, leaned forward and listened. Indeed, there were voices coming from the boxes of Christmas decorations. I creeped a little closer and put my ear up to the holiday box.

“OK, you over there, spin around and climb through here; you, twist around a couple of times and do a summersault through here. You over there, back up through this hole and hold hands with her.”

Yes, it was just as I suspected, each year I carefully take down and tie my Christmas lights into a nice roll, label them as to where they came from and place them gently in the box. When I go to get them the following year, they are all knotted up with each other and in complete disarray. How does that happen? I was about to learn; I listened further.

“We need a couple of volunteers again this year; one to climb out of your socket and hide somewhere where he can’t find you. We need a second volunteer to wriggle out of your socket just a little, so you light up when he tests us, but not when he put us up. Walter, I think you were close to the top of the roofline last year, so you’d be a good one to volunteer for that. OK, thanks. Those of you who are close to that label he put on us last year, let’s get that off as soon as possible; if you can put it on another bundle of lights, all the better. Don’t forget, if you feel like you’re going to go out this year, wait until you get up on the house and then go out. And listen up everyone, what happens when one of us goes out? WE ALL GO OUT! That’s right, we’re a team, we need to stick together so he has to test each one of us to find the one that’s actually bad. We’ll also need a volunteer to give one up for the team this year when he lays us out on the driveway, someone needs to roll under his foot and get crushed. You’ll be remembered as a hero to all of us.

Deer-in-a-Box

Meanwhile, in the box next to it, I can hear the lighted reindeer talking to himself, getting ready for ‘his gig’.

“Man, it will be good to get out of this fricking box and get all my pieces put together. . . hopefully correctly this year! How hard is it to put my tail on the other end of my body from my head? I don’t know who I pissed off, but I spend 11 months with my head up my ass in a small box and then I gotta stand out on the front lawn with a smile on my face, freezing my ass off, looking all Christmassy for the next month – no food, no water and my antlers will probably be facing the wrong direction again this year. Wish I could poop all over his lawn; actually I just wish I could poop.  I know I look transparent, but I’m feeling a little blocked up.”

The artificial Christmas tree resides elsewhere in a storage shed. Yes, I lost the battle of ‘real’ tree versus ‘artificial’ tree, last year when my last ‘real’ tree had a small fire that was put out fairly quickly, albeit after a good deal of water settled into the carpet and the walls became a bit ashy. I mentioned to Linda that the fire retardant actually looked like snow on the tree, but she failed to see the humor in that.

As late afternoon brought darkness, I headed out to the street in front of the house to admire my work.  Of course, the highest string of lights on the house was out, but I know just where to look for the culprit.  No, all the lights didn’t all come on at the same time, but that’s an easy fix.  So I’m feeling pretty good until I look at the reindeer and wonder if those antlers are on correctly.  Then I notice something under the reindeer that looks an awful lot like reindeer poop.  No way!  It turned out to be just a leaf, but I thought I noticed a smile on the reindeer’s face.

May all your lights stay bright.

 

FEELING GRATEFUL

By Suzanne Sparrow Watson

Those of you who are regular readers know that my house has revolted this year, requiring untold repairs and replacements.  Last Sunday my husband heard a loud “boom” emanating from the garage – that is never a good sign.  Sure enough, our hot water heater had exploded.  Luckily, we had a pan underneath it, sparing my Christmas ornaments from a watery grave.  The next day the plumber installed a new one.  He was no further than the end of our street when I turned on our under counter lights and blew the transformer.  I wanted to scream.  Instead, I did what any sensible person would do – poured myself a glass of wine and decided to take this one in stride.  I had just spent the weekend watching the fires in California and the absolute devastation they wreaked.  I thought about how many thousands of people wished that their only problem was a few repairs.  I was reminded of the saying by Confucius:  “I was complaining that I had no shoes till I met a man who had no feet.”  Sometimes we can get so caught up in minor problems we forget to just be thankful for all that is so good in our lives.  So this Thanksgiving week I am feeling very grateful for a house that is standing, a wonderful family and caring friends.  In the spirit of the week, I am sharing a few quotes about gratitude.

 

Don’t pray when it rains if you don’t pray when the sun shines.  Leroy “Satchel” Paige

Gratitude turns what we have into enough Aesop

Find the good and praise it.  Alex Hailey  (This one comes in handy for anyone eating my cooking)

Enjoy the little things, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things.  Robert Brault

This is a wonderful day.  I’ve never seen this one before.  Maya Angelou

What separates privilege from entitlement is gratitude.  Brene Brown

Silent gratitude isn’t very much use to anyone.  Gertrude Stein

Be grateful for what you have and stop complaining – it bores everybody else, does you no good, and doesn’t solve any problems.  Zig Ziglar

Finally, since Thanksgiving this year falls on the 55th anniversary of the Kennedy assassination, I thought it fitting to end with this one:

We must find time to stop and thank the people who make a difference in our lives.  John F. Kennedy

My brother and I are indeed thankful for all of you who read our blog.  We wish you and yours a very Happy Thanksgiving!