WHERE AM I?

Headlines:  We knew those “duck and cover” drills would pay off.

As if we didn’t have enough on our minds these days,

Solar storms are wreaking havoc in new and critical ways.

Navigation systems may go down, power grids may take a hit,

Which means we may hear the GPS lady get confused and say “Oh, Shit!”

Money:  We’re going to work on that “beer belly” girdle.

Forbes is out this week with their annual billionaire list,

Gates, Slim, Buffet…you all get the gist.

But the newest club member invented the shapewear, Spanx,

Who knew that squeezing fat would result in billions in the bank?

Sports:  The Stanford Band should be part of the deal.

Irsay says “it’s not about the money” but we all know it is,

He’s got his eye on Andrew Luck, the Stanford QB whiz.

But Peyton Manning is a class act, who has done the Colts fans proud,

We wish all football players were so articulately endowed.

Life:  One smart cookie.

The Girl Scouts of America were founded 100 years ago,

By a quirky, childless woman by the name of Juliette Low.

Hilary Clinton and Barbara Walters are among those who did their stints,

But the greatest Girl Scout triumph? Those addicting, darn Thin Mints!

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WHY CAN’T POLITICIANS TAKE A CUE FROM “THE ACTOR”?

Headlines:  Don’t worry, Joe, we’re all nodding off.

Well, we’re getting closer to casting the Republican primary vote,

Romney or Santorum? One’s the victor, one’s the goat.

As for Obama, he is confident, even with Biden as his Veep,

His only worry will be during speeches – hoping Joe doesn’t fall asleep.

Money:  When in doubt, blame the Baby Boomers.

The Dow is doing well; housing seems to be rebounding,

But now three experts give dire predictions which are a bit confounding.

Mostly our troubles come from retiring Baby Boomers and the global debt,

So just when we thought we could relax, we learn our gains will be offset.

Sports:  The Lakers play the Heat on Sunday – watch the rematch.

Kobe Bryant was on fire during the All-Star game,

Breaking Jordan’s scoring record, which brought him much acclaim.

But unfortunately Kobe’s nose was broken by a player from the Heat,

Which saved Vanessa from having to do it, for him being such a cheat.

Life:  Joan Rivers was jealous of Billy’s tuck and roll.

The Oscars were predictable, even with Crystal manning the show,

The question on our minds was who had more nips – him or JLo?

Our favorite was Chris Rock, who really was quite funny,

Skewering actors for “working hard” and making so much money.

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GUNS AND ROSES: THE CHINESE EDITION

Headlines:  Is that a bulge in your purse or are you happy to see me?

The latest trend, it seems, is women owning guns,

They’re buying up firearms and ammo by the tons.

Some are shooting for the pleasure and some for their protection,

And some want to meet a man and find their “firing” connection.

 Money:  How do you say “strike” in Mandarin?

Wal-Mart is acquiring a Chinese shopping giant,

Hoping that their shoppers will become low-price reliant.

Meanwhile Apple has its hand full with its Foxconn dive,

No doubt that these two firms will spawn a Chinese union drive.

Sports:  Be afraid, be very afraid.

Jeremy Lin is denouncing the latest rumor hype,

Says he’s not dating Kim Kardashian, that she’s just not his type.

He may just be a bit naïve, laying his emotions out so bare,

‘Cause he’s a sports star in the spotlight – and she is so there.

Life:  A cautionary tale.

Whitney Houston “went home” in an elaborate celebration,

With singing and testimonies that were three hours in duration.

At the same time SNL announced Lindsay Lohan soon will host,

We’re hoping she’ll sober up and take advice from Whitney’s ghost.

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IF IT’S HALF TIME IN AMERICA, WHERE’S THE BAND?

Headlines:   There goes our trip to Wally World.

The U.S. closed its Syrian embassy, slapped new sanctions on Iran,

Meanwhile in dealing with these nuts, Hilary’s doing the best she can.

But with 20 percent of our oil coming through the Hormuz  Straights,

We’re thinking our summer driving tour is going to have to wait.

 Money:  Never work with kids or animals…or soccer players.

Another Super Bowl has come and gone and we just watched the ads,

They tell us everything we need to know about the current fads.

Based on this year’s crop we like babies, dogs and Eastwood,

But in the end there’s no disputing David Beckham looked quite good!

Sports:    Most guys would probably want what Tom is holding.

THE game was pretty exciting, this was no Super Bore,

It was good until the end, and left us wanting more.

Eli was the QB who was exciting and could impel,

But Brady’s the one who gets to go home to Gisele.

Life:   My word, I think my Corgis can dance better.

Madonna had her day and images of her will linger,

But it wasn’t really cool that M.I.A. gave us the finger.

We’re guessing neither of these artists will be asked to have high tea,

Or to perform  for Queen Elizabeth at her Diamond Jubilee.

HAPPY HANGING CHAD DAY!

Headlines:  This ballot is so easy – it’s already got Mitt’s name filled in!

Well, if it’s Tuesday surely somewhere it  must be Primary Day

And sure enough, Floridians will finally have their say.

Frankly we don’t care how any of the candidates rate,

We are just thankful that this week there won’t be any more debates.

Money:  The return of an American icon.  But is he deductible?

Honda Motors has announced it’s bringing back one of our faves,

Ferris Bueller will appear in a Super Bowl ad, to raves.

But Ferris might discover his parents’ welcome is destructible,

Because the IRS ruled this week that adult kids are not deductible.

Sports:  Strung out.

We went to bed quite early, set the alarm so we would wake,

We wanted to see Nadal vs. Djokovic, every serve and every break.

But it turned into a marathon, neither one would be dispatched,

We could have slept for three more hours and still seen half the match.

Life:  Talk about skeletons in the closet!

We read that Shirley MacLaine will join the “Downton Abby”cast,

We’re wondering if she’ll play someone that she’s been in the past?

And Demi Moore this week overdosed on aerosol from “Whip It”,

If that’s the best that she could do, maybe she should skip it.

MAYBE THERE IS SUCH A THING AS A STUPID QUESTION

Headlines:  The true American hero..ine.

Newt Gingrich won South Carolina only due to this one thing:

He answered a ridiculous question from CNN’s John King.

Meanwhile Gabby Giffords has decide to retire,

But ‘though she’ll no longer be in office, she’ll continue to inspire.

 Money:  Edsel…Kodak…RIM?

Remember back when Blackberry was the phone you must possess,

When BBM and the roller track would cause us to obsess?

Now it’s just about extinct, no innovative ideas have been heeded,

Yet the new CEO says that “no drastic changes will be needed”.

Sports:  Well…there’s always next year.

Just as we expected, the Patriots beat Baltimore,

The Raven’s kicker missed the uprights and couldn’t make the winning score.

As for the writers of this blog, we don’t mean to come off as whiners,

But we’re very disappointed that the Giants beat our ‘Niners.

Life:  The Celebrity Go-round.

The weekend brought a plethora of relationship news,

Aretha nixed her engagement; Heidi will be someone else’s muse.

Kristin and Jay will have a baby; Drew and Will are going to wed,

And sadly, at age 73, the wonderful Etta James is dead.

Perry, Eastman, Lowe and Shatner

Headlines: “I’m Suspending My Campaign and I’d Like to Endorse . . . uhhh.

Governor Rick Perry has closed down his whole campaign;

He realized that his efforts were probably in vain.

As to whom he will endorse for election this November

He’d like to tell us all, but it seems he can’t remember.

Money: No Smiles For The Camera

They gave us ‘Kodak moments’ and film that was the best,

But the digital revolution caused the company much unrest.

George Eastman, the great founder, surely sheds a tear from heaven;

The Eastman Kodak Company has filed Chapter 11.

Sports: Who needs ESPN?

Is Payton coming back?  Will Eli play his best?

Will the team that wins it all be from the east or from the west?

Whatever you are hearing, if you really want to know;

All you have to do is get connected to Rob Lowe.

Life:  In Super Bowl Ad Has Shatner Going Over A Cliff A Bus

William Shatner was a ‘Trekie’ as the famous Capt. Kirk

And then in Boston Legal on TV did legal work.

For 14 years he’s told us they’ll negotiate with us,

But in an ad forthcoming, Priceline throws him off the bus.

LET’S STAY HOME

Headlines:  Were the lifeboats included in the “resort” package?

The Italian ship Costa Concordia had some frightful luck,

The hull crashed on some rocks and tipped over in the muck.

The Captain acted as the Italian military is prone,

He surrendered his position and left the passengers on their own.

Money:  Next they will affix a toilet to the La-Z-Boy.

Burger King is testing home delivery of their meals,

Redesigning all the packaging with heat –protective seals.

They are targeting that connoisseur of fast food shoppers:

Those who won’t get off the couch for fries and a Big Whopper.

Sports:  Who Dat?  Not the Saints.

Football is a sport that people cheer with much emotion,

A Saint’s fan shot a Niner fan simply based on his devotion.

For the Cheeseheads it is nothing but depression and gloom,

Their team will watch the Super Bowl from the comfort of their living room.

Life:   Can’t Meryl afford a stylist?

The Golden Globes were glittering, the dresses over the top,

But the acceptance speeches droned, it seemed they wouldn’t stop.

Rickey Gervais’ jokes were silly and seemed just a bit tired,

Next stop? The Apprentice so Trump can say “You’re Fired!”

Nomination Decided With Just Two States!

Headlines: Is the nomination process already over?

Iowa and New Hampshire have chosen Romney with their vote,

So it seems the other 48 have clearly missed the boat.

Romney is the nominee, stop the presses, hold the ads;

The best the rest of us can hope is not to have a hanging chad.

 

Money: Should the person putting out the unemployment numbers lose his job?

Last week our unemployment number was on a slight decline

And if that’s all we heard or saw then things would be just fine

But more numbers were released this week, unemployment’s seen a spike

So depending on your party, just pick the numbers that you like

 

Sports: C’mon Man, Where’s His Tats?  

If you’re wondering what all the fuss is around young Mr. Tebow,

There is something about the NFL fan that you clearly need to know.

They mock him and deride him with ridicule so strong,

Because their typical role model has a rap sheet a mile long.

 

Life: I’d Like to Thank All the Little People, Because They Make Me Look So Big

The Peoples Choice, The Critics Choice, the Oscars and the Emmys;

The actors in their latest fashion walk the carpet with such ease.

They put shining globes and statues upon their mansion’s shelves;

How many more awards will they create to fete themselves?

 Make it a redposey year

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IT ALREADY FEELS SO 2011

Headlines:  Blah, Blah, Blah

Well, it’s really starting: the “fun” of an election year,

Where the politicians posture and all seem so sincere.

Bachmann has dropped out and everyone is ripping Mitt,

Now it’s just a game of seeing who’ll be the next obit.

Money:  So the half-off Christmas sales were harmful?

The past few years have brought enough economic trouble,

Now economists say deflation will be the next financial bubble.

Falling prices and declining incomes are a sure sign of the trend,

It’s so confusing we don’t know whether to save a buck or spend.

Sports:  Talk about a 12th man!

The NFL playoff teams are one step closer to the Super Bowl,

The Texans, Saints and Giants are really on a roll.

But it was the Bronco victory in overtime that really had to be seen,

Tebow silenced all his critics who now believe in 3:16.

Life:  How do you spell self-involved? 

Beyonce had her baby girl and hoping to be discreet,

She took over Lenox Hospital, treating it like a hotel suite.

Her lucky number is 4 so she named the baby IVy Blue,

We think dIVa is also a name that she just might live up to.