OUR ANNUAL USELESS GIFT GIVING GUIDE

By Suzanne Sparrow Watson

Well, here we are…it’s Christmas shopping season again.  This year the panic over what to buy those you love (or simply tolerate) is compounded by the fact that it’s a short shopping season.  Compared to last year, there are six fewer days to find the perfect gift.  Or any gift.  Which means that we here at From A Bird’s Eye View are here to help with our annual Useless Gift giving guide.

First on the docket is something that is just the thing for your next dinner party – Red Solo Cup Wine Glasses.  Sometimes it’s hard to find the right balance between formal and “we’re glad you wore a shirt at the table” casualness.  For those who can’t quite decide whether to break out Grandma’s crystal or stick with a backyard BBQ theme this is the perfect solution.  They are also known as Redneck Wine Glasses.  They hit the right note between fine dining and ripping open a bag of salad.

The next find is simply genius – Snittens – The Original Snot Mittens.  How many times have you been skiing when your nose begins to drip like a faucet?  There’s a reason the ski resorts have Kleenex boxes everywhere.  No one wants to see frozen snot.  Enter Snittens – mittens that are specifically designed to keep your nose dry.  In fact, they advertise that the mitten absorbs 28x its weight in snot and tears.  The palm side is designed for tears, while the backside mops up snot.  It was 37 degrees this morning when we took Dash the Wonder Dog out for a walk and believe me, I could have used some Snittens.

Next is a gift for the man who is embarrassed by his physique.  Maybe he’s been working out at the gym this year and is a little wary of meeting up with the rest of the family of flabby butts.  The solution?  The Dad Bod Belt.  All he needs to do is slip this on, maybe get a Redneck Wine Glass, and he’ll fit right in with the rest of the family.

 

The next gift is perfect for the animal lover on your list.  Maybe not your average cat or dog person, but instead someone who has chickens.  The Chicken Harness is a solution to … well, I don’t know what, but imagine the poor chicken owner looking longingly at his or her neighbors who can take their dog for a walk.  Now with this invention they can join in the fun at the dog park.  The manufacturer claims that it is easy to take on and off (I would hope so because no one likes to tussle with a chicken), washable (again, self-explanatory) and a conversation starter.  I would think so.

I am a klutz.  I am constantly bumping into walls and dropping things on my feet.  I’m not hinting or anything but the Bubble Wrap suit is right up my alley.  Made from real bubble wrap and fastened with Velcro, it is easy to slip on and off and protects you from injury and general clumsiness.  It has the added attraction of providing entertainment for those people who find it fascinating to pop bubble wrap.  Of course, that defeats its protective qualities but could keep a grandchild entertained for hours.

Finally, speaking of grandchildren, for those of us who have little boys in the family there is seemingly nothing more hilarious than when Grandpa teaches them the old “pull my finger” trick.  Well now that sentiment can be part of your cherished holiday celebration with the Pull My Finger Santa.  I’m tempted to say that this will keep the grandkids in stitches but frankly, and speaking from some experience, I think Grandpa is the one who finds it so side-splitting.  Whatever.  If people are laughing at family celebrations the source doesn’t really matter.

I hope this practical guide to the impractical lessens your holiday shopping stress.  We strive to be helpful.

 

 

 

10 comments on “OUR ANNUAL USELESS GIFT GIVING GUIDE

    • Yvette – I’m so sorry to hear that. If you go on to Fromabirdseyeview.com on the right side of the page is where you can enter your email to sign up. We sure didn’t delete you so it must have been the computer gremlins!

  1. Suzanne, you and your bro need to go on tour! I can manage you to repay for all of the laughs, along with the deep thoughts and insights.
    I’ve known you since I was four and never realized how funny/gifted you were. You liked boys. My sister could not care less. Maybe that is why her name was LESlie! Of course, all of that changed. She could have been renamed MOREly.
    Miss that critter! Five years 11/21/2019!
    HO HO HO! YOU AND BOB KEEP ‘EM COMIN’! Kathy

  2. I have the red cup plastic cups and I absolutely adore them.
    I use them everyday. Everything tastes better in them.
    I hav also given them as gifts and they are a huge hit.
    Just sayi….

  3. My fav was the chicken harness! Now I know what to use when I walk my chickens (LOL). Loved the laughs. Wishing you happy holidays.

    • Thanks! Yes, there was a woman in my knitting guild who actually KNIT chicken harnesses. Go figure! Wishing you and your family a very Merry Christmas!

  4. This is hysterical! Think I need one of each – not for gifts, but for me and spouse – thinking Dad Bod Belt! We wish you and Alan and family (including Bob and family) beautiful holidays!!!

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